What Wives Say About Crossdressing

All of the following responses are real. They are replies from real women who are either married to or are in real relationships with crossdressers. Some had no objections to their internet IDs appearing as the respondent while others weren't comfortable with it. For this reason the decision was made to eliminate all the ID's and replace them simply with wife #1, wife #2 , wife # 3, etc. Additionally, there are places where other names were mentioned. These have been replaced with "(name omitted)" to provide additional security for the respondents. Other than spelling corrections, the text is unchanged except where necessary to clarify something.

WIFE # 1:
(1) How did you find out about your husband's crossdressing?

The bank wrote regarding a letter he wrote to them re unauthorized collection of funds. He had joined a site for a trial 3 month period, using account we don't use much. He did not extend the trial.. but another premium was taken from account. The bank gave full details of who / what company collected the monies. I had known nothing about it.. nothing at all. On the statement there was no clue ( a brown paper bag name). The site was not a porn site ladies...but rather a glimpse of heaven to my CDer... men and women silk, corsets, maids, etc, etc, .... all very much his fantasy.

(2) What were your initial reactions and emotions and how long did these last?

Shock / numb. Desperation to know more - started combing thru his PC.. and could not believe what I found. Threw up. Nausea, shaking, anger, crying....disgust. I had no idea that such sites existed and with so many pop-ups, I couldn't see where it started and where it ended. I left the letter from the bank, open on the desk, so he would see it when he came home, once I managed to get myself down the stairs again. I wrote a letter (which he has never seen) pouring out my distress, disgust, fury and hatred for him, then returned to MUM role, collected children from school etc. He read the letter as soon as he came in (from bank) and met me coming half way down the stairs. "It's just a mad fantasy", said he, grinning from ear to ear.. I looked, said nothing and walked on past.. "who the hell is this man" was my only thought.

I needed to know though...and so I wrote another letter next day... one I did give him... asking him to explain exactly what it was that he was in to... wanted.. and why.... and since when... and... and... and.... I said I wasn't ready to talk until I had those answers in my hand and knew what it was I was supposed to be dealing with.

I got the answers...(though not all entirely true at that stage). I recalled a program I had seen on crossdressers...and I hung on to my belief.. not to judge - don't walk in another's shoes, so cannot comment.. and we began to talk. We cried, we shook and trembled and we agreed we would try to help each other.. The feelings of inadequacy were huge - but I knew that referred to us both. Eventually I got more of the truth from him - he had been hiding these desires since boyhood and wasn't easy for him to open up. He told me that the internet had opened up doors for him, knowing he wasn't a freak on his own - but also said it had fueled his desires to try more. (He also has bondage / tied fantasies and would love to be feminized). Has been a roller coaster ever since ....some wonderful times when we have been incredibly close...and others ....so low it has been hard to start over each new day. I do not have a man who puts others before himself, so marriage is a constant struggle and source of joy on occasion with this man. I found out April 2001, days before our 13th wedding anniversary.

(3) Assuming that you are accepting or tolerant of his CDing, what do YOU consider as being the reason you came to accept this part of your husband's personality?

I accept in the sense of I understand he did not choose this. I do not like, or welcome and I do resent never getting the chance to choose. That was wrong, even though I UNDERSTAND why he did not give me the choice. Still it was WRONG and it devalued me. I accept because I feel that is my role as a human being. I cannot judge and love....I can love and earn respect / love back however.

(4) Again, assuming that you are accepting or tolerant, do you participate or offer assistance to your husband when he dresses enfemme? If so, to what extent?

I have been asked to participate, assist. I have once dressed him, applied makeup and wig...I made it all look AWFUL (well the way I THOUGHT he wanted it)...and so he hasn't asked for a repeat .....lmao... he didn't like what he saw.. and he knew I was not comfortable or happy re transforming him from M to F. He has not asked me to participate at all since Oct... and I have said that he can do as he wishes if I am not in, so long as the children are not compromised. I have taken the children away overnight to give the opportunity. He tells me has had had the urge but has not dressed since Oct. (His choice - I think he is even more tense now... so not a great idea, but he wants me to do it all.... so I am not getting involved in this power struggle).


(5) What advice would you give to a wife who has refused to accept her husband as a crossdresser?

No response to this question

(6) Assuming that you were NOT receptive, accepting, tolerant, when you learned of your husband's dressing, what could he have said or done that would have changed your non-acceptance to one of at least CAUTIOUS acceptance?

Not receptive / accepting / tolerant. Although I have replied as above, I think this is also relevant. He should have told me his desires when we were dating - at the latest..... when we got engaged. I should have had knowledge of the whole person. I accept his desires have evolved and extended, but I should have been told - as his chosen partner in life - I deserved honesty. Coping with the feeling of deceit has been horrendous.

(7) Would you rather have never found out about his crossdressing at all? Why or why not?

The easy answer is yes! However, is it right to be with someone - especially married - and not know about such a huge part of them? NO. I think - if he had TOLD me...my acceptance would have been easier...I did not find out in any supportive or loving way.

(8) What are your major OBJECTIONS to your husband's crossdressing? Why?

Loss of feeling of trust...or further loss. His needs and wants are always paramount.... even when I am honest, he says he understands, but then pushes me to the limit of caring and compassion too...He competes with the children for my attention...and love. I object to that. If he has two personas within one body...at least one of them should be caring and generous...I object to the roller-coaster ride...I want to just go for a walk through life, exploring, caring, loving and holding out my hand for others when paths diverge for a spell.

He could put 'her' and it in perspective. He could value his children more than he values his desires. He could appreciate everything in his life as being good and worthwhile - positive - instead of running to the CDing and so forth...Then, perhaps, he and she would be nicer people and those he loves would reap the benefits. He could stop lying.

WIFE # 2:
(1) How did you find out about your husband's crossdressing?

By accident. I came home when he was not expecting me and he came clumping downstairs in heels, hose, short straight skirt, short sleeved blouse, pearls and earrings.

(2) What were your initial reactions and emotions and how long did these last?

Initially, I had to remind myself to breathe. I felt like the world might stop and I was going to be asked to get off. Variations of shock lasted about 48 hours but maybe it was really a week before I could relax better. It was almost as bad as being told I had breast cancer. I decided I needed a counselor who would listen to me and that was a good decision. With my husband's help, I found websites and books and eventually CDSO. Yes, I knew all the emotions, anger, betrayal, unsure of my own sexuality, etc. It made reacting normally very difficult. It took months to sort through all that but the worst was right at first partly because I had to go back to work so we couldn't even talk.

(3) Assuming that you are accepting or tolerant of his CDing, what do YOU consider as being the reason you came to accept this part of your husband's personality?

I accepted because we had 30+ years of really good marriage. A good man is worth a lot. I did not feel he chose to crossdress rather that he tried to live with this as best he knew how. His honesty and kindness and patience while I was learning made it easier for me. He had the grace to apologize for not telling me sooner, differently, and has been so good about telling me how much I mean to him. Would I give that up over a skirt? No way.

(4) Again, assuming that you are accepting or tolerant, do you participate or offer assistance to your husband when he dresses en-femme? If so, to what extent?

I did buy him breast forms and sometimes purchase small gifts of clothing or costume jewelry. Other than that, I offer the small reminders one woman does to another (your slip shows) and the complements (nice outfit/love that fabric/etc.)

(5) What advice would you give to a wife who has refused to accept her husband as a crossdresser?

Be sure to sort out the crossdressing from other behaviors you don't like. If you and your man can live with his crossdressing separated from your life, maybe that can work but making very small attempts to be more accepting will (or should!) do wonders to your relationship.

(6) Assuming that you were NOT receptive, accepting, tolerant, when you learned of your husband's dressing, what could he have said or done that would have changed your non-acceptance to one of at least CAUTIOUS acceptance?

I found it helpful to read and learn more about crossdressing. The CDSO list has been helpful. Not feeling rushed to accept. Caution: learning more about it has not made me feel I understand it. Far otherwise. I have not seen an explanation that fits the many variations or even my husband. I finally came to the conclusion that crossdressing is yet another of life's mysterious happenings. CDers, tell your S.O. how much you love her often. Thank her for every attempt to learn more and accept your femme side.

(7) Would you rather have never found out about his crossdressing at all? Why or why not?

I would rather he was not a crossdresser but I needed to know. I was feeling, before I stumbled into his crossdressing, that something was coming between us. It was harder and harder for him to keep his female side secret. I would have chosen a different way to learn about (name omitted) but I did need to know about her as she is so much a part of who he is.

(8) What are your major OBJECTIONS to your husband's crossdressing? Why?

I don't like the need to keep it secret. I don't like the time it takes. And it does seem just silly to want/need to wear the uncomfortable clothes society has designated feminine.

(9) If you have objections (see question 8), what could he do SHORT OF STOPPING crossdressing, to satisfy (eliminate) your concerns?

We have discussed the secrecy part and agreed that for now it is best to keep it so. Time... well, he does get the chores done first. Silly feminine clothes-thankfully, he does not insist I wear what (name omitted) likes. CDers, give honest answers to your S.O.'s questions, stay faithful to her, work together to find ways you can both live with crossdressing. 

WIFE # 3:
(1) How did you find out about your husband's crossdressing?

My husband told me in 1987. This happened shortly after he saw a special on gender on HBO.

(2) What were your initial reactions and emotions and how long did these last?

I was frightened. I thought he might be gay or want a sex change. He answered the questions regarding gayness and sex change immediately, but the fear did not go away until he reassured me that he would do nothing without my knowledge and permission.

(3) Assuming that you are accepting or tolerant of his CDing, what do YOU consider as being the reason you came to accept this part of your husband's personality?

We had been married at that time for over 20 years. I felt that since he was a good husband and a good father we could try to make the CDing work. I also did not feel it was a choice, but a biological condition. It also helped that I had seen a marvelous show on CDing at that time (1987).

(4) Again, assuming that you are accepting or tolerant, do you participate or offer assistance to your husband when he dresses en-femme? If so, to what extent?

I offer minor suggestions on outfits he wears. He is much more able to give me help on makeup, hair styles, and clothing than I give him.

(5)What advice would you give to a wife who has refused to accept her husband as a crossdresser?

I would ask her to research CDing, learn more about why men crossdress, and learn how it is possible to incorporate crossdressing in a relationship in a positive manner that can accommodate the needs of both the wife and husband.

(6) Assuming that you were NOT receptive, accepting, tolerant, when you learned of your husband's dressing, what could he have said or done that would have changed your non-acceptance to one of at least CAUTIOUS acceptance?

I have written an article on Telling which is advice for crossdressers on how to tell their wives. I will send the article to you.

(7) Would you rather have never found out about his crossdressing at all? Why or why not?

My husband is much happier out of the clothes closet. So if I had never been told, that would mean that he was still hiding the CDing and therefore would be miserable. I would not wish that for him.

(8) What are your major OBJECTIONS to your husband's crossdressing? Why?

I only ask that he consider my feelings and fears when it comes to CDing in public. I also ask that he give me plenty of "husband" time in addition to my giving him plenty of "girl" time.

(9) If you have objections (see question 8), what could he do SHORT OF STOPPING crossdressing, to satisfy (eliminate)
your concerns?

Be aware of my concerns and respect them.

WIFE # 4:
(1) How did you find out about your husband's crossdressing?

About 8 months in to the relationship, he told me about it over the phone. (Long distance relationship at that point.)

(2) What were your initial reactions and emotions and how long did these last?

Truthfully, I was relieved. He'd been MIA for 2 days, I had no idea where he was, if he was okay... And then suddenly, he called and I could tell he was upset. He said he had something he needed to tell me. Immediately, I'm thinking that he's cheated on me. What? You wear female clothing? Well, compared to what I was thinking, THAT is okay! lol

I was more concerned about him than anything at that point. He was very upset, very scared, and I just wanted to make him feel better. I made a lot of promises in the 'heat of the moment,' that thankfully, I have been able and happy to keep.

The next day, I was giggling about it. I kept picturing him, a rather mean looking fellow, with his hair up in bows and a pink frilly dress... well, I laughed my ass off! It's how I deal with stress.

After that night, and maybe a handful of other short conversations about it, it was never talked about for about a year. I didn't bring it up because I didn't want to upset him, he didn't bring it up because he didn't want to upset me... lol

And then one night (with him again out of town), we were talking and it just popped up. I don't remember who brought it up, but it's been an open topic since then. I was nervous, afraid of saying something that would hurt his feelings, or saying something that would cause him to close up. I'm sure he was choosing his words just as carefully.

Of course, there were times of crying and upset, but... we always dealt with it together. I'm still perfecting my 'acceptance,' and there are still the rare occasions when it throws me. But all around, it's definitely not on the top of the list of traumatic things we've dealt with:) 

(3) Assuming that you are accepting or tolerant of his CDing, what do YOU consider as being the reason you came to accept this part of your husband's personality?

The two biggest reason would have to be our personalities. I'm a rather accepting person, generally, and that certainly helped from the beginning. And I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, so doing my best to look at it positively certainly helped. I KNEW I didn't want a lifelong 'issue' between us. But more than that, he never pushed me, he was always so caring about how I was feeling and what I was thinking. He didn't mind spending hours just cuddling so I'd feel better. He didn't mind talking for hours just so I'd feel better. He didn't mind putting (name omitted) away when I wasn't feeling up to dealing with it, or when I just needed him. In regards to how we handled it until I was comfortable, it was all about me. So often, when guys come out of the closet, I know it's a huge relief for them -- but some of them then fixate on what they've been denied for years and it becomes all about them.

He had incredible patience with me and all of my worries, concerns, and fears. And I was never content not accepting it -- it was a goal for me, that I wanted to achieve, for both my own happiness and for his. So, he gave me all the time I needed -- and he secretly knew that, if he waited long enough, he'd get everything he wanted! lol

(4) Again, assuming that you are accepting or tolerant, do you participate or offer assistance to your husband when he dresses en-femme? If so, to what extent?

THE biggest extent I've ever helped with -- and this stands out to MY mind as the biggest pain in the butt -- is helping him shave his legs! Good God! It took 2 hours! My back was so sore from bending over, my knees hurt, my arms were tired. THAT was a trial! lol

Other than that horrible experience (lol), I've helped with his make-up, his hair, his clothing (mending, adjustments, laundry)... he doesn't get dressed up fully very often (hair, make-up, etc.), but I've helped him each time. We try and keep our toe-nails painted, sometimes with matching colors (when we can AGREE! lol). There isn't a whole lot I haven't been a part of -- I certainly can't think of anything.

(5) What advice would you give to a wife who has refused to accept her husband as a crossdresser?

Well, I think there first must be a distinction between simply crossdressing and the things that sometimes come along with it. In most of the situations where the wife/SO is un-accepting, there is usually another, worse and bigger, reason for not accepting. Whether its porn, years of deception, broken trust, an inconsiderate partner, cheating, etc. There are a lot of reasons for not being accepting and usually the reason has little to do with the crossdressing itself. From listening to many stories from un-accepting spouses, usually the bundle of issues that come along with it, that are connected in their minds, are the things that are the real problem.

I would advise much thought. So much of what some un-accepting women object to, like I mentioned above, is the 'stuff that comes with it.' And those things, even if unconnected to the crossdressing, are seen as one large issue instead of a handful of smaller ones. They aren't tackled separately, aren't seen as separate, and the task of accepting becomes damn near impossible.

I'll use examples of one of the most common issues.

A man surfs for porn constantly. His work is suffering, he rarely spends time with his family. He is surfing while dressed, or only seeking crossdresser porn. Now, there are two issues here: a porn addiction and the crossdressing. The two ARE separate problems, but because they are presented together, or become connected in the mind of the spouse, they are one huge issue instead of two smaller issues. What she may REALLY object to is the porn addiction -- but to her, the crossdressing is part of that, and so she hates that as well.

If she is ever to become accepting, the issues have to be separated. No one wants to tolerate or accept a porn addiction and that must be dealt with, as a separate issue. When that issue has been dealt with, and trust has been rebuilt, only then does she have a chance of accepting. While this is just one issue, it applies to all of the 'stuff that comes with it.' Each problem has to be dealt with separately, each issue has to be resolved, the relationship rebuilt and trust earned, and THEN worry about accepting. It is not a simple, nor quick process.

A lot of times it is easier to see the crossdressing as the culprit, but the blame must be placed where it belongs. Whether it is another issue in the relationship, or a character flaw in their partner (c'mon, we all have them), it is not the fault of the crossdressing. The issues MUST be seen as separate, otherwise the hurdle of this 'includes everything that is wrong with the relationship' issue is just too great to overcome.

(8) What are your major OBJECTIONS to your husband's crossdressing? Why?

See, now any objections I have are 'stuff that comes with it' objections! Ok, and stubble (when he does shave), sucks! lol

I really don't know if this falls in to what kind of answer you're looking for, but... The only real objection I have, and it is something I'm still working on, is the fetishes that have come out in the open since finding out. I work on participating, and I never make him feel bad about it (or I try my best..), but it is still taking time. I'll get there! And again, he's patient -- he
knows he'll get it all eventually! lol

(9) If you have objections (see question 8), what could he do SHORT OF STOPPING crossdressing, to satisfy (eliminate) your concerns?

Well, he could suddenly stop having these desires -- but I don't actually WANT that. That would be unfair, and completely against everything we've worked for. Time, and familiarity, will do it. He's already doing everything necessary for it to be a foregone conclusion that it will happen -- in time.



WIFE # 5:
(1) How did you find out about your husband's crossdressing?

Funny story.. I was actually a member of a CD social/support group. When my (now) SO joined we realized we were acquaintances and started a new friendship. It has since blossomed into something much deeper.

(2) What were your initial reactions and emotions and how long did these last?

It was the "I never would have guessed YOU were a crossdresser" reaction initially. I was surprised that HE crossdressed, but not surprised by crossdressing. That passed very quickly and almost from the beginning I have been comfortable with my SO's femme and masculine sides, but then again - I was the one in the CD group first!!

(3) Assuming that you are accepting or tolerant of his CDing, what do YOU consider as being the reason you came to accept this part of your husband's personality?

I accept it because that is who he is. It is something he can't change, but it is also something he shouldn't have to change... it is simply who he is.

(4) Again, assuming that you are accepting or tolerant, do you participate or offer assistance to your husband when he dresses enfemme? If so, to what extent?

I love the crossdressing! I'm totally willing to be part of all aspects of his life. We've gone shopping together and I've offered to buy makeup or whatever he needs if he's too worried about getting it himself - and I'm dying to do 'her' makeup! :-) 

(5) What advice would you give to a wife who has refused to accept her husband as a crossdresser?

First let me say there are so many variables and each relationship/husband/wife is different. 

I would start by saying: Communicate! Communication is essential in any relationship and both husband and wife must be open and honest. I would tell her that if she has questions, she needs to ask her husband. Only he can give her the answers. She needs those answers (brutally honest answers!) before she can begin to accept or come to terms with this revelation. Many times when there is disruption in a relationship people clam up and stop talking and this just makes things worse.

I would also find out what she knows about crossdressing and find out why she doesn't accept it. I would then try to calm her fears or concerns on a point by point basis. Most women have no idea what crossdressing is except for what they see on Jerry Springer and other do-anything-for-ratings talk shows. Wouldn't you be scared too if that was all you knew of crossdressing? My personal opinion from what I have seen is that wives fear they will lose their husband because he will either (1) 'turn gay' or he will (2) want to 'have a sex change'. If we are talking about heterosexual crossdressers, and not transsexuals, she can be reassured she doesn't have to worry about those two things. Her hubby simply likes to dress in women's clothing and be feminine! I would also let her know that just because he dresses feminine does not mean he is sick or perverted. Darn that Jerry Springer!!

(6) Assuming that you were NOT receptive, accepting, tolerant, when you learned of your husband's dressing, what could he have said or done that would have changed your non-acceptance to one of at least CAUTIOUS acceptance?

Trying to look at it as if I were not receptive: I would need reassurance. I would need to know he still loved me, that our entire relationship up to that point had not been a farce, that he was not planning on leaving me and that he wasn't planning on becoming a woman.

(7) Would you rather have never found out about his crossdressing at all? Why or why not?

I am glad I know and I needed to know. I feel special knowing that he shares this inner-most part of himself with me. Also, I believe it would cause him to be resentful of me if he could not dress, even if I didn't know and he was hiding it from me. As I said above in #3: it is who he is.

(8)What are your major OBJECTIONS to your husband/boyfriend's crossdressing? Why?

So far, I have not had any objections... give me a couple years and ask again. :-)

(9) If you have objections (see question 8), what could he do to SHORT OF STOPPING to satisfy (eliminate) your concerns?

Like I said, I don't have any objections.

WIFE # 6:
(1) How did you find out about your husband's crossdressing?

When he told me about a couple of months after we had met.

(2) What were your initial reactions and emotions and how long did these last?

I told him that those actions were fine with me but I did not want to have any part of it. Quite a long time.

(3) Assuming that you are accepting or tolerant of his CDing,what do YOU consider as being the reason you came to accept this part of your husband's personality?

It brings him full circle of the whole person that he has to be as himself.

(4) Again, assuming that you are accepting or tolerant, do you participate or offer assistance to your husband when he dresses enfemme? If so, to what extent?

I used to be what they would call to accepting, I have narrowed it down to only to finalizing the outfits when we go out or giving other advise when asked for it.

(5)What advice would you give to a wife who has refused to accept her husband as a crossdresser?

(a) I am now proud to say my husband is a crossdresser to anyone who might ask. The reason being is since we have involved our lives with the cd issue, We are bringing both of our lives to a full circle for ourselves together and as individuals. Most importantly all the people associated with the cd issue who has helped us along and is continuing to help us along in getting there too.

(b) Patience, Love, understanding, listening, total communication, give and take. Each situation is different and you need to find a common ground for each of you the question is...how much is it work to you? How much are you willing to give and not take?

(6) Assuming that you were NOT receptive, accepting, tolerant, when you learned of your husband's dressing, what could he have said or done that would have changed your non-acceptance to one of at least CAUTIOUS acceptance?

Being honest and communicating well.

(7) Would you rather have never found out about his crossdressing at all? Why or why not?

NO I am sorry I didn't open it years ago when I had the chance to but like everything in life things happen for a reason. 

(8)What are your major OBJECTIONS to your husband/boyfriend's crossdressing? Why?

2 rules ....don't sleep with another man and don't change to a woman....and he doesn't have the desire or want to do either. But if someone else does that is between them and ok with us...just not for us in our relationship together.

(9) If you have objections (see question 8), what could he do to SHORT OF STOPPING to satisfy (eliminate) your concerns?

WE have already done that with complete communication. So we know where both of our boundries lie and repect them in the fullest degree.

WIFE # 7:
(1) How did you find out about your husband's crossdressing?

It's boyfriend first off. About 4 months before we planned to move in together he told me.

(2) What were your initial reactions and emotions and how long did these last?

I always knew that he was a creative and sensitive guy, and a bit submissive, with a huge respect for women, so I wasn't shocked. I liked the idea, although I was worried at first that he'd like to live as a woman.

(3) Assuming that you are accepting or tolerant of his CDing, what do YOU consider as being the reason you came to accept this part of your husband's personality?

I love him, I'm generally accepting of any lifestyle that doesn't cause conscious harm.

(4) Again, assuming that you are accepting or tolerant, do you participate or offer assistance to your husband when he dresses enfemme? If so, to what extent?

Yes I do, mostly he will ask me when he feels like getting dressed up, and I'll ask what he wants to wear of mine (and he has a little stash as well, we're about the same size) and I'll corset him and stuff his bra (saving up for the breast enhancers ;)) etc, do his make-up.

(5) What advice would you give to a wife who has refused to accept her husband as a crossdresser?

The only "con" really that I can think of is that he is still very sensitive about the whole thing (I'm the second he came out to) and sometimes when I criticize certain aspects of the CD community he easily gets upset, even if the characteristics I criticize he doesn't possess.

Advice? Get over it, accept it, or get a divorce. It's not going to change or stop, your husband is who he is. There is nothing "weird" or "wrong" about it...I think most people who think it is "weird" or "wrong" are perhaps to easily swayed by either religon or very straight-laced societal norms...I don't admire non-accepting people. Yeah that was loaded...I think what really blows my mind is how people can be married for years and finally tell their spouse, and all of the sudden it turns into "I don't know you" and "stop it" etc. It's a latent facet of someone's personality mostly and I would think if you knew your husband you could appreciate him and love him regardless of whether you felt it was wrong.

But seriously, they say love trust and honesty make a marriage work, but I hate when in marriages one spouse tells the other to "stop doing" something that is a crucial part of them, it's cruel and selfish.

(6) Assuming that you were NOT receptive, accepting, tolerant, when you learned of your husband's dressing, what could he have said or done that would have changed your non-acceptance to one of at least CAUTIOUS acceptance?

Uh like I said I was always accepting. For those whom I mentioned earlier whom may be inherently un-accepting people I can see how it would be very tricky. I don't believe a crossdresser should compromise himself and to gain CAUTIOUS acceptance from a spouse would probably involve compromise.

(7) Would you rather have never found out about his crossdressing at all? Why or why not?

I'm thrilled that he crossdresses, we have a lot of fun, I'm glad I found out, and when I did. It has added a much bigger understanding to him as a person for me. I think sometimes the CD's view of the female gender is perhaps a bit skewed.
I think I gained more understanding into why he was reserved as a child, why he felt females had the more creative freedom, or freedom in general...and how he was reserved growing up and found it as an outlet to express admiration and creativity.

I'm sorry I'm going a little overboard with these...

(8)What are your major OBJECTIONS to your husband/boyfriend's crossdressing? Why?

Hrmmm objections, I'd really rather not he name himself. I like to think that in him accepting himself that he accepts that he is one singular person, as I would not name the "angry" part of my personality...you know? I do call him "Princess" a lot though.

(9) If you have objections (see question 8), what could he do SHORT OF STOPPING crossdressing, to satisfy (eliminate) your concerns?

Don't think it can be done to someone who was close-minded up front, that type of growth (of character) would have to have developed long before.

WIFE # 8:
(1) How did you find out about your husband's crossdressing?

The way I found out about my husband s crossdressing was when I was cleaning out his closet. My lack of height made me stand on my tip toes to reach the top shelf, even with a step stool it was very difficult. There was a box ( "her" box) on the top shelf, I reached for it and femme things rained down all over me, up 'til this moment, 13 years of marriage, I had no idea of his needs.

(2) What were your initial reactions and emotions and how long did these last?

Initially I was devastated I felt betrayed and lied to I wondered if I really knew the person I married. This would have been so much better if I had known when we were dating. To be honest, even though I accept his needs and do help a lot with (his ..her ) dressing and do enjoy a lot of it, I still have some of the feelings. 

(3) Assuming that you are accepting or tolerant of his CDing, what do YOU consider as being the reason you came to
accept this part of your husband's personality?

After about 2 years of feeling bitter and unhappy most of the time , I got tired of fighting the whole thing, this is when I 
began the long road to where I am now.

(4) Again, assuming that you are accepting or tolerant, do you participate or offer assistance to your husband when he dresses en-femme? If so, to what extent?

We go to clubs, clothes shopping, shopping for cosmetics, etc. We visit with other cd friends I do enjoy this but there are 
times when some of the old feelings re-surface.

(5) What advice would you give to a wife who has refused to accept her husband as a crossdresser?

I know that my husband is much happier now than he was before. I am happy to share this part of his life . I am also happy to know, although there are times I wish he did not have this need. I would advise any crossdressers S.O., Try to be tolerant of your husband , remember that under all the pretty girlie things, he is still your husband. More than likely, if he had a choice, he would not do this.

(6) Assuming that you were NOT receptive, accepting, tolerant, when you learned of your husband's dressing, what could he have said or done that would have changed your non-acceptance to one of at least CAUTIOUS acceptance?

The only thing that would have helped me, is his confiding in me sooner, The other part to me anyway. I had to come to terms with this on my own, I would have loved to be able to talk to other S.O.'s or wives that had come to terms.

(7) Would you rather have never found out about his crossdressing at all? Why or why not?

I think I have already answered this.

(8)What are your major OBJECTIONS to your husband/boyfriend's crossdressing? Why?

I feel that we don't talk as much as we used to, due to the extra time spent talking to other CDs via the internet. He shaves his legs, upper chest and lower abdomen which causes discomfort in bed at night when we cuddle. When he is dressed, I feel no sexual desire, I feel as though I am with my friend not my husband. I have no gay tendencies, I guess this is where this comes in from. I love my husband very much and would not trade him in for the world. I am happy to be married to him. I also fear for his safety, the fear that the wrong person could find out and cause harm to him and 
or our family. I hope this doesn't sound selfish.

(9) If you have objections (see question 8), what could he do SHORT OF STOPPING crossdressing, to satisfy (eliminate) 
your concerns?

I do not want him to stop, dressing, talking to his friends or doing things with them outtings , parties etc.

WIFE # 9:
(1) How did you find out about your husband's crossdressing?

First off when he told me about how he liked to wear women's lingerie, CDing didn't come into the picture, I was cool with the idea, and even invited him to wear lingerie a couple of times....But when (name omitted) finally told me to the full extent of his desires, and about (name omitted).. We were fighting, and I kinda made him tell me, ALL his secrets...

(2) What were your initial reactions and emotions and how long did these last?

Well of course my initial reaction was like most SO's, shocked...and of course I asked him if he was "gay?", now this is after knowing him for 17 years. I cried for days, I couldn't sleep, all I could think about was, I lost my husband...WE talked and talked, till I couldn't talk no more, just trying to understand, "WHY?"

(3) Assuming that you are accepting or tolerant of his CDing, what do YOU consider as being the reason you came to accept this part of your husband's personality?

"I love him " 

(4) Again, assuming that you are accepting or tolerant, do you participate or offer assistance to your husband when he dresses en-femme? If so, to what extent?

Yes, I help (name omitted) with make-up, I have even helped in trying to get him to walk in smaller steps, instead of strides...sitting properly, mannerisms, and of course I help in coordinating his/her wardrobe....

(5) What advice would you give to a wife who has refused to accept her husband as a crossdresser?

(a) As I became more tolerant and accepting of (name omitted), I could see a big burden lifted off of (name omitted)...We have had a better relationship, and a better marriage ,to the point we want to start fresh, and renew our vows, this year on our 15th wedding anniversary...

(b) What advice would you give to a wife who has refused to accept her husband as a crossdresser?

I have given plenty of advice to women who refuse this part of their hubby's/boyfriends....first off, look deep in their eyes, this is still the person you fell in love with, but with a softer side...beneath the clothes, make-up, wigs, and the jewelry, is a man who has the same feelings the day you met. All he wants to do is fulfill a part of himself that's been locked away for so long...He still loves you, and still loves himself, but if you really look at it he loves himself more now, that he has broken the barrier of secrets in holding his true self back.

(6) Assuming that you were NOT receptive, accepting, tolerant, when you learned of your husband's dressing, what could he have said or done that would have changed your non-acceptance to one of at least CAUTIOUS acceptance?

N/A

(7) Would you rather have never found out about his crossdressing at all? Why or why not? 

No, I like the idea of him being truly honest with me...Honesty goes both ways, I have always been honest with him, and it should have been the same, but now I know, and that makes all the difference, there are no more secrets, just a whole lot of love...

(8)What are your major OBJECTIONS to your husband/boyfriend's crossdressing? Why?

This one is a hard question to answer, since I told him from the beginning that we would do this together....I don't think I could handle him acting like a woman, when at home. I could see him doing it in public, cause you have to keep up an appearance, if you want to pass...but not in the comfort of your home...

(9) If you have objections (see question 8), what could he do to SHORT OF STOPPING to satisfy (eliminate) your concerns?

He acts himself, both at home and in public....

WIFE # 10:
(1) How did you find out about your husband's crossdressing?

We had been living together for 3 years and I felt things were going just fine when all of a sudden he decides he needs more alone time. He also said that he felt like a guest in my house. (he moved in with me..) When he sprang this on me I was devestated...He called from work one day and said that he was gonna go to dinner with someone from work....I forced it out of him that the person was a female. Well he never went to dinner that night because I was sooooo mad that I told him that he had week to get out and that I didn't care if he slept in his car. He came home after work and we tried to work things out. But that sent me over the edge...I started to snoop. I was trying to find out all I could about "the other woman". I came across a receipt for $75 worth of woman's clothing & lingerie that I know I never received. When he was confronted with it, at first he said he didn't know where it came from and I continued to pressure him. It was paid for with a check and I wanted him to go to his check book and prove to me he didn't write the check. Well...he couldn't and eventually admitted to me the clothes were his. He had been hiding them in the trunk of his car. I already had my suspicions...when cleaning out his trailer before his move in with me I came across several clues. (a wig box, a letter he wrote to "best value products" complaining about a gaff and boobs they had yet to send ,catalogs etc...) He had always explained them as Halloween junk. I later learned that before we cleared out his house he threw away all of his stuff.... I know now what a huge sacrifice that was for him. Did that mean he planned to hang on to me or he just didn't want to be discovered? It's unfortunate that he couldn't have come out with this in the beginning. It sure would have made things easier now. 

(2) What were your initial reactions and emotions and how long did these last?

My initial reaction was one of relief. I finally had the truth to the suspicion. It was a very emotional time for him and I tried to listen very carefully without judgment. He had never admitted this to anyone!!! I felt very privileged to be the one he told. That alone has brought us closer. (I'm his best friend cause I know too much....hahaha!) The other reaction was one of fear...he hid this from me for 3 years....what else is he hiding??!!! He never moved out and as far as I know (I still snoop) hasn't been with any others. Because he hid this side of himself from his ex wife of 15yrs he's pretty good at hiding things. He did tell her eventually and that started at lot of problems but that's for another letter. He has attempted to reassure me that he's trying to be open and honest. He has lived a very secret life and has a hard time sharing things. What doesn't help was that he was an only child too and very much a loner. We continue to work on things....

(3) Assuming that you are accepting or tolerant of his CDing, what do YOU consider as being the reason you came to accept this part of your husband's personality?

I accepted this part of him because of several things. I loved him and I didn't want this to break us up. I wanted to accept all of him no matter how weird. I was curious too. Why would a man want to dress in woman's clothes? I don't dress up in dresses all that much and prefer jeans and t-shirt because their easier. Believe it of not, sometimes he's more feminine than I am. My marriage of 20yrs broke up after years of deceit and lies. I am determined to make this relationship work because I feel we fit in many ways. He feels the same way. The difficulty for him is that because of the past life I had and because I will always be suspicious, he must prove himself to be honest constantly. And being a private person that seems to be very difficult for him. We continue to work on things.....

(4) Again, assuming that you are accepting or tolerant, do you participate or offer assistance to your husband when he dresses en-femme? If so, to what extent?

Yes, I participate if that means tolerating him dressed around the house. Yes, I participate if that means going out with him while dressed. Yes, I participate if that means exploring things online/books/stores and what ever else is out there. I want to learn as much as I can about this side of him and through the support group and others, I have. We shop together and I have made her some things. Woman are easier to buy gifts for too. She loves shoes, ,jewelry, candy and flowers. I help with straps and zippers and necklaces and sometimes offer opinions on what she chose to wear. In the beginning, she wanted to do the "slutty" look but unfortunately she doesn't have the figure for it. With encouragement from me, she has found the look she's comfortable with. She'd love to lose 30lbs but he won't let her. He likes beer and food to much. It's such an inner conflict sometimes...

Is this getting too long? Have I still got your attention? pause and get a drink now or continue reading......

(5) What advice would you give to a wife who has refused to accept her husband as a crossdresser?

Where does one begin here? There are many pros to this. Because he had to admit this to me, he has become a lot more relaxed. In the beginning, it was like he was loose in a candy store. He dressed "to the nines" EVERY time.. (he shaves close, wears makeup, garters, earrings,hair etc) Now he mostly just gets comfortable. Like someone changing into sweats after work, they relax. He enjoys cooking and loves to have that meal ready when I get home from work. I know that is coming from the feminine nurture side. (I love it too!!) His taste is a bit too frilly and lacey for me though. He likes Victorian things and I prefer the more traditional look. We tend to disagree on furniture. If we ever buy a house together.... The cons to this is she tends to dominate his personality. She is a bit more outgoing and has that ''I don't care what you think" attitude. That obviously causes problems when she's in control and does something. It's almost like two woman in the same kitchen. It still feels like there is another woman I am competing with for his attention. It's all about balance...and needs... and fantasies... As far as advice, I accepted it because I am open minded. I accepted it because it is part of who he is. If your best friend suddenly admitted to liking wool underwear and wore them all the time would you stop being friends with them? Are you that superficial? Is appearance the only thing that makes that person your friend? In a husband/ wife relationship, there should already be in place a way or ways to communicate problems. . Wife: ask yourself- why you do not accept it, is because of fears or just that it's too weird? How do you compromise on other non-crossdressing issues or do not compromise at all? If you are the dominate one in the relationship you CAN get what you want. But because it is a relationship you must also give some too. How difficult is it for you to give, as in sacrifice for someone else's happiness? Husband: ask yourself- have you been totally honest from the start? The fears and issues you have created must now be dealt with. Going only on my own experience, it's very difficult for him to discuss anything!! even non-crossdressing issues!! Are you open to criticism? Will you allow your wife to vent her fears to you without judgment? Do you need a mediator? But above all just wanting her to accept will not change her. There has to be communication.

(6) Assuming that you were NOT receptive, accepting, tolerant, when you learned of your husband's dressing, what could he have said or done that would have changed your non-acceptance to one of at least CAUTIOUS acceptance?

Well, if I were not so open minded, and more concerned about what other people think about me I may not have accepted this part of him. This is so "way out of the box" that I grew up in. He would have had to reassure me CONSTANTLY that he's not weird or gay just different. He would have to CONSTANTLY tell me that our life together would not change no matter how unrealistic that is. My largest fear is one of abandonment. That he will find someone else that he likes better. (that one was created by his wanting to move out) I would want him to understand every reason why I don't accept. The best thing to do here is to address each reason separately and figure out what works best. 

(7) Would you rather have never found out about his crossdressing at all? Why or why not?

No, I'm glad I found out. It eases my mind slightly to know that we can talk about issues that are difficult. It helps to know that he can be honest when he wants to be. It explains some of those concerns I secretly had, like why would a man be so interested in lace and frill. It also has opened up a whole new path of excitement.. (wink-wink) because we can now share other fantasies that are not exactly white bread. I have always been the good girl and had my own fantasies. I am like the kid in the candy store now and he's ready to explore too. So because of the many things we have in common, right down to some of those fantasies, is another reason we are working keeping things honest and open.

(8) What are your major OBJECTIONS to your husband/boyfriend's crossdressing? Why?

That he not allow her to dominate the personality. She dresses every night...EVERY NIGHT!!!! I have to say something when I've had enough and NEED A MAN!! I shouldn't have to ask for the man I met to come visit...he should live here. I hate the fact that when we do go shopping we always end up in the store or dept. for her size. (she's an 18/20 - I'm an 8) While looking at catalogs (Victoria's Secret, Fredrick's etc) I can never tell if he's looking for something for me or she's looking for something for herself. She has 40,000 shoes (exaggeration of course) and continues to look for more. I hate the fact that her clothes are starting to out number his clothes. He almost NEVER dresses 100% male now. I almost never get male attention in the form of compliments or little things.

(9) If you have objections (see question 8), what could he do to SHORT OF STOPPING to satisfy (eliminate) your concerns?

see # 8... be a male more often. Treat me as his woman, that turns him on often and not his sister or girlfriend to shop with. I feel like I live with a woman and a man visits. I miss the testosterone ggrrrrrrrrrr male....

WIFE # 11:
(1) How did you find out about your boyfriend's crossdressing?

 My boyfriend told me the third time we ever saw each other. He asked if I had any secrets that I didn't share with many/any people. I shared my "secret" then he told me his.

 (2)What were your initial reactions and emotions and how long did these last?

 I immediately said I was OK with it but actually I think I was a little in shock. I was confused and worried. Although I already felt a strong bond between us, I wondered if our relationship could last. I think I got over the majority of my concerns in the first 4 months we were together. He has always been very open and willing to talk and answer questions.

 (3)Assuming that you are accepting or tolerant of his CDing, what do YOU consider as being the reason you came to accept this part of your boyfriend's personality?

 His honesty. He always shared anything with me that I wanted/needed to know.  I would also say love. I realized that to truly love someone, you must be accepting of the whole person. I don't have to like everything about him but accepting what makes him who he is is very important.

 (4)Again, assuming that you are accepting or tolerant, do you participate or offer assistance to your boyfriend when he dresses en femme? If so, to what extent?

 I have been with him most of the times he has dressed since we got together.  At first, I just watched him transform. I got comfortable with the process.  Since then I have helped minimally with make-up. After his recent move, I unpacked (name omitted) for him. I brushed out his wig and picked out his outfit for that day. I have taken pictures of her on several occasions. Her main activity dressed so far is chatting online with webcam. I am often by her side at these times. I have also gone out with her once.

 (5)What advice would you give to a wife who has refused to accept her husband as a crossdresser?

 All I could really tell her is, if this is the man you love and want to spend the rest of your life with, you need to at least be open to a discussion of a topic that is this important to your husband. This is not something she caused and there is nothing she can do to make it stop. It is not about her. Believe it or not, this can actually bring two people closer together and can be either a positive or at least a non-issue in a relationship.

 (6) Assuming that you were NOT receptive, accepting, tolerant, when you learned of your husband's dressing, what could he have said or done that would have changed your non-acceptance to one of at least CAUTIOUS acceptance?

 This question doesn't apply in this case.

 (7) Would you rather have never found out about his crossdressing at all? Why or why not?

 Absolutely not. In my case this has actually made us closer. I would hate to be in a committed relationship with these types of things hidden from me.

 (8)What are your major OBJECTIONS to your husband/boyfriend's crossdressing? Why?

 Like I said in my last post, he can be a bit overly focused on himself when dressed. But that is really my only problem at the moment with his dressing.

 (9) If you have objections (see question 8), what could he do to SHORT OF STOPPING to satisfy (eliminate) your concerns?

 Shift his focus to both of us at times. Not much really because it isn't really a huge problem.

 
WIFE # 12:

(1) How did you find out about your husband's crossdressing?

During our first three weeks together, we were talking about past dating experiences - and he told me how one Halloween he'd gone as Marie Antoinette and his girlfriend went as King Louis - and she - who later came out as a lesbian - was very turned on by the idea, and so was he. I'd seen him fully dressed within that period as well, AND we'd gone out to a tranny night at a club, AND we'd made love when he was en femme.

 (2) What were your initial reactions and emotions and how long did these last?

 I thought it was sexy, fetishy, and fun. and there's this other weird bit: that when we were first dating, I couldn't keep a picture of his face in my head. Once I saw 'Betty', I had no problem doing so. I don't know if that was timing or that I had seen his whole self by seeing Betty - and that was very significant to me, and still is. I was very encouraging and bought him the first dress he'd ever gotten as a birthday present. (other girlfriends had given him dresses before!) that period lasted about two years.

 (3) Assuming that you are accepting or tolerant of his CDing, what do YOU consider as being the reason you came to accept this part of your husband's personality?

 I want to know the whole person, and I don't like the idea of being married to a person who I don't know fully. that just seems odd to me. If I shut off to some part of him, why wouldn't he do that to me? And I was determined to have a good marriage, where we were friends and lovers - my parents just celebrated their 50th anniversary and their love and devotion to each other are really, really inspirational.

 But also - I think (name omitted) would have me add - because I read EVERYTHING. I have to know everything, I'm trained as an academic. so once I understood that nobody has an answer for WHY, I got really engaged in finding one. I didn't, of course.

 (4) Again, assuming that you are accepting or tolerant, do you participate or offer assistance to your husband when he dresses en-femme? If so, to what extent?

 Well, does starting this list count? ) Yes, I help in nearly every way, except maybe for make-up, since he's better at it than I am (when we have to get really dressed up, or I have to look really good, he does MY makeup.) but otherwise I help - I've got a typical pear-shaped woman body that I think I dress reasonably well, And I've helped him by finding advice for girls with thin hips, broad shoulders, etc. that is, I've tried to fill him in that all girls are imperfect, that gender is a construction, and that - as Rupaul put it: "Either you're naked or it's drag, baby!" I've always felt like a drag queen dressed in skirt and heels, so it's not too much of a stretch for me to get where he's coming from. Other than that, I also talked him to death, and make him talk as much as possible,  gave him books,  encouraged him to go out, and was his date (i.e. took care of everything from paying the cover charge to holding doors) the first times we went out. Now he's more confident and becoming quite the modern woman (thank god), so I don't have to do as much.

 (5) What advice would you give to a wife who has refused to accept her husband as a crossdresser?

Okay this is where I weigh in as a little harsh, I suppose. Transgenderism is a gift. whether it's a sexual turn-on to enhance play in the bedroom, or a really open-minded attitude toward women, it should be embraced. The opportunity I have had to have a man listen to me rant on about feminism - and women's lives - has been so so welcome I can't imagine any woman rejecting the opportunity! Besides that, (name omitted)'s deep love and respect for women has enhanced my own appreciation of my body, and my femininity in general, both of which I've always had an uneasy relationship with. Basically I would tell her: there is so so much you get in exchange that it's worth it! No, you may not have the satisfaction of having the manly man of your dreams, but you get a partner with far more potential as an equal and a friend.

 (6) Assuming that you were NOT receptive, accepting, tolerant, when you learned of your husband's dressing, what could he have said or done that would have changed your non-acceptance to one of at least CAUTIOUS acceptance?

 Since I did go through a period where I was totally un-accepting (following the blissful first 2 years), I can tell you what he did or didn't do to help that out: (1) He was willing to put it aside so that we could work on other things, and so that I could feel a little bit of control (control freak that I am), which helped. (2) He learned to pay much more attention to ME in a romantic way (3) He listened to the other problems I had with our relationship and tried to help me work on them, and (4) he tried to de-emphasize the 'transgender' factor and make it more fun - drag - when he did dress, because he knew that was the part I enjoyed. in a nutshell you could say he let me call more of the shots!

 (7) Would you rather have never found out about his crossdressing at all? Why or why not?

 Well, wishing occasionally that he wasn't a crossdresser isn't the answer to your question, is it? As I do wish that sometimes. It makes life so complicated.

 But I had to know. I have to know everything. shoot, I probably know things about my friends their partners don't know! I have that writer/bartender thing where people just tell me stuff, so it's inconceivable for me to not know about it.

 I have to say this one is nearly impossible for me to answer. I can't imagine wanting to not know something about my husband! No matter what it is. Then again, I grew up with a lot of alcoholism, and the idea of pretending there is no elephant in the living room when there obviously IS - well that's part of my upbringing. One has to face reality or beware what kind of s__t will hit the fan.

 (8)What are your major OBJECTIONS to your husband/boyfriend's crossdressing? Why?

 The innate selfishness/narcissism. the desire to be the center of attention that eliminates his attention to me. The cost. Unfortunately my husband is the type who has a sexual connection to cd-ing, and I hate that (though I find him en femme in the bedroom quite sexy, it's his inability to be really turned on by anything else that bugs me). The social implications - of having to tell people or not, feeling secretive about it, etc (see above for my feelings on secrets). I hate that his confidence as a man is not equal to his confidence as a woman. I hate that there are so few other cds out there,  that when we go to clubs we are often the only straight couple. That he doesn't do half the work I do with this subject, and seems more willing to allow it to be what it is than to find out anything (though I will say that's a general personality trait, he is a very 'live and let live' type while I have to overturn every rock.) that while I'm busily engaged answering this question, he's reading about drag queens and not helping me come up with other answers.  

(9) If you have objections (see question 8), what could he do to SHORT OF STOPPING to satisfy (eliminate) your concerns?

 In retrospect, the only things he could have done - that honestly I wish he would still do - is spend as much time helping me look my best as he does him. That occasionally when I find him online looking for shoes he would be looking for a good pair of formal shoes for me (I have flat feet and can't wear heels but hate those heelless 'ballet slipper' type shoes that seem to be the only option). and that he would be more willing for us to give each other facials, that kind of thing. I think it could be far more sensual in a lot of ways but he gets very insistent on doing his stuff himself, I think because he loves the ritual of it. Or, in other words: I wish he'd be more creative about ways I could participate and feel part of it. I think I've done my share and then some.

 
WIFE # 13:

(1) How did you find out about your husband's crossdressing?>>

 My partner to this day has never ACTUALLY told me. To cut a long story short. When we first met and over the next couple of weeks, he constantly said things to me such as: I bet it feels real nice to be wearing that skirt and feel the breeze around your legs. Or, it must feel nice to shave your legs and then put on a new pair of tights/stockings. Anyway after a couple of weeks of this I finally said "if you want to find out , there's my wardrobe, knock yourself out". As you can imagine he was dumbfounded, but I didn't have to offer twice. Basically it started as fun and then I realized there was more to it. So I did my usual and asked. He told me he had never dressed until that day with me, but had had the desire for as long as he could remember. In a nut shell we took it from there.

 (2) What were your initial reactions and emotions and how long did these last?

 As I said above it was all a game at first. When the reality set in however I had absolutely no problems with it. Unfortunately the problems came later after we had started to do a few T.V. shows (on the subject of TG.s). After a lot of discussion between ourselves, we have come to the conclusion that this was because I/WE were forced to start questioning something we had never questioned before. We never saw the need, this was him I loved him end of story.

 (3) Assuming that you are accepting or tolerant of his CDing, what do YOU consider as being the reason you came to accept this part of your husband's personality?

 As I said above this was him I loved him end of story. But to add to that I have always believed that you can't pick and choose what parts of a person to love. You either love the whole or none. Having said that obviously there are certain things you find more attractive than others in all people.

 (4) Again, assuming that you are accepting or tolerant, do you participate or offer assistance to your husband when he dresses en-femme? If so, to what extent?

 I was having trouble answering this one. Because I couldn't see what I do to help, after all I do the same to help (name omitted) as I would do for my best friend. I asked (name omitted) for some help, she said pretty much the same but added that she has always been really grateful for all the support I gave with the T.V interviews and helping her find answers to her own gender questions etc

 (5) What advice would you give to a wife who has refused to accept her husband as a crossdresser?

 I think our relationship is far stronger because I have accepted this. It has been possible for a start to base it on honesty, which it never would have been if I didn't feel able to except and therefore talk through any problems I/we had. As far as I'm aware that goes for (name omitted) too.

 As for advice. At the end of the day he is still your husband and still loves you. That hasn't changed just because you now know ALL of him. Appreciate the honesty and the courage and love it has taken for him to tell you this (you are probably the first person he has told). I would say have the same honesty, courage and love to at least listen to what he has to say.

 (6) Assuming that you were NOT receptive, accepting, tolerant, when you learned of your husband's dressing, what could he have said or done that would have changed your non-acceptance to one of at least CAUTIOUS acceptance?

 As I have said this was not the case. But going to when we did have problems the only thing he could, and did, do was keep giving me his truth and honesty, then keep loving me and encouraging me to talk to him.

 (7) Would you rather have never found out about his crossdressing at all? Why or why not?

 NO WAY!!! If I had never found out I would have only ever loved HALF the man I thought I was loving. This may not have been obvious to me, but there would have been problems in the relationship because of his having to lie.

 (8)What are your major OBJECTIONS to your husband/boyfriend's crossdressing? Why?

 In the early days he was a bit selfish and sometimes that did get to me. In those days it seemed the more I gave to (name omitted)  the more she wanted. Things haven't been like that for years now. I suppose that is because (name omitted)  needed to be selfish in order to find out who she is.

 (9) If you have objections (see question 8), what could he do to SHORT OF STOPPING to satisfy (eliminate) your concerns?

 Exactly what he did do. Talk to me and explain his need but also be prepared to see mine. That is the only way to find a place you are both happy with.

 Hope these answers help. they have certainly been thought provoking for me

WIFE # 14:
(1) How did you find out about your boyfriend's crossdressing?

I met my bf online, I knew from the time I met him that he was a CD. I completely accepted him from the time we met.

(2) What were your initial reactions and emotions and how long did these last?

Honestly, my initial reaction was excitement to have met someone so caring and sincere

(3) Assuming that you are accepting or tolerant of his CDing, what do YOU consider as being the reason you came to accept this part of your boyfriend's personality?

I feel that CDs overall are more caring & understanding, more romantic, passionate and more sensual. When I met my boyfriend, it was a combination of all of these personality traits that drew me closer to him and to "her". . When he is dressed I treat him as a lady even online with friends I don't say him I say "she" or "her" When she is dressed the emotions and attitude are just different. I also think it makes her feel better when I refer to her as a girl. I am not just doing this for "his" pleasure I am doing it because "when acting like a lady, one should be treated like a lady" and that has nothing to do with what's under the dress, its about personality and emotion.

(4) Again, assuming that you are accepting or tolerant, do you participate or offer assistance to your boyfriend when he dresses en-femme? If so, to what extent?

I love to help "her" in any way I can. I have given her a pedicure and put on false nails, she was absolutely glowing when I did that. I love to buy things and surprise "her". I have even recently gone to the post office to get a box and as a surprise to him I listed her femme first name with my last name on the list of who can receive mail. That way no one would suspect it's really for him so he can order things with confidence. I have gone shopping for her both in the store and online. I have even established a way to find out what "she" likes when we are shopping together. If I am asking if he likes something I want for myself I say "How do you think this will look on me?" If I see something I think "she" may like I just say "How do you think this will look? (take off the "on me" part and she knows just who I am asking about. I have assured him that if a couple like us is shopping in the store and I'm asking for an opinion that almost no one will even second guess who its for. At times if he sees something that he likes and I didn't see it first he will gently brush his hand or fingers across it and just give me a look where I know he likes it. 
To take it a few steps further, I want to help any CD that I can so we have decided to sell clothes online to CDs using Ebay, and I have decided to become an Avon consultant so that I may offer a place for CDs to get makeup and jewelry in a discreet and private way where they can be respected and treated as a lady. 

(5) As you think about this consider the pro's and con's and how your acceptance (or rejection if that's the case) has affected your relationship. Honesty and sincerity are paramount in your response. What advice would you give to a wife who has refused to accept her husband as a crossdresser?

I think one of the biggest pro's in this relationship is for both of us to have someone care about the other unconditionally. In many ways I myself am far from perfect and it takes a very strong person to love me for who I am and he does just that. I love him for who he is, him being a CD is just a bonus to me. I am the first woman he could ever be this honest with and not fear rejection. But that did take time. "She" wasn't completely prepared either to have me accept this completely. There were times I had to reassure "her" that I was ok with her dressing or wanting girl things. I was ok with her talking to other CD's as long as they were sincere. I let her know what was ok with me and that my love was still there. When we first met he was afraid I might not be as accepting as I said I was so it took some time to build the trust between us. Because of his career and family we have to keep the CDing private. I am sure many can understand the fear of being "outed" He now trusts in me that I will "protect" "her" and not let "her" come under any harm. Also, we try to keep the communication lines open between us. We have both found what a positive long term affect that good communication has on our relationship. Not that we always agree or get along, I'm not living on planet perfect (don't care to either) But we talk things thru.

(6) Assuming that you were NOT receptive, accepting, tolerant, when you learned of your husband's dressing, what could he have said or done that would have changed your non-acceptance to one of at least CAUTIOUS acceptance?

This question does not apply to me at all as I have always accepted him.

(7) Would you rather have never found out about his crossdressing at all? Why or why not?

I am happy knowing, I enjoy spending time with him when he's dressed and enjoy helping him in any way I can. I am actually looking forward to the times he can dress and we can have a "girls" night out. This doesn't mean I am lesbian, I don't label myself as that at all I just adore his feminine side and want to have times we can share that together more than just at home. I feel if I had not found out I would be missing out on so much and the stress level would be much higher. I have found that when he dresses overall "she" becomes very relaxed and mellows out. This relaxation has a lasting effect way beyond the dressing, it helps him to relax in the many days after as well.

(8) What are your major OBJECTIONS to your boyfriend's crossdressing? Why?

No Objections here

There are times when "she" dresses that I get a bit jealous. I too would like to have a chance to do my hair and makeup and put on something pretty. To share the experience. I'm not trying to steal her sunshine or anything, but I think all women regardless of birth gender like the way they feel when they are all dressed up and beautiful.

(9) If you have objections (see question 8), what could he do to SHORT OF STOPPING to satisfy (eliminate) your concerns?

I just have some advice. 

To the CD's - never stop, to me that won't solve anything but definitely will cause more tension and stress in the long term. A crossdresser was born this way, it's not a sexual thing in my opinion, it's a need, its NOT a hobby it's a part of life, it's like needing air to breathe, to cut that off will only cause heartache and stress. 

To SO's who may be struggling with acceptance and understanding. If you are wanting to accept but just not sure how, try talking to other SOs by attending a support group, or chatting online. Another solution might be to find a good website that has information to better explain this. And the best thing is to truly "listen" to each other and to give it time. 

WIFE # 15:
(1) How did you find out about your husband's crossdressing? 

We were married about 5 or 6 years and one morning while we laying in bed just talking he blurted out that he liked to wear women's clothing. He started crying and getting upset and I truly did not know how to handle it. 

(2) What were your initial reactions and emotions and how long did these last?

It was over twenty years ago so I can't recall all of the details, but I do remember that I was stunned, couldn't even ask him questions about it because I wasn't really sure what the heck he was really telling me. These emotions lasted forever and are still in the back of my mind over twenty years later. I remember though that I was scared, wanted it to go away and felt completely threatened, especially to what it meant to our lives and the two small children we had. I felt like my feeling of safety and security with him was completely gone. I don't think I went into too much detail about that he might be gay, I actually thought it was just something that he was going through. I do know that when he was finished talking I didn't bring it up, I just fell into a deep hole from then on and blocked it out. If I didn't think about it, it would go away. Funny though, one of the things I remember vividly was that he was trying to figure out why he liked it, and one of the things he said was that maybe his mom caused him to be like that because one of the things she used to do was make him wear a women's scarf to school when the weather was bad.....I thought why the hell didn't she just buy him a damn hat and none of this would have happened! It did seem to "go away" for a long time...it was something that crept into my thoughts frequently but I had no indication that he was dressing, and knew that he was dressing when we weren't home and hiding it as best he could to keep it away from me. I remember being totally embarrassed when friends would make fun of "drag queens" or crossdressers and thinking I couldn't believe that we were in this position.

(3) Assuming that you are accepting or tolerant of his CDing, what do YOU consider as being the reason you came to accept this part of your husband's personality?

I am not accepting of this part of his personality, but I guess you would say that I am tolerant. He made "promises" way back then that he would never let it get out, remain in the safety and comfort of our home, and never let anyone know, particularly the kids. This was all things that he said, I just never agreed to talk about it or discuss it. It just wasn't there to me. 

(4) Again, assuming that you are accepting or tolerant, do you participate or offer assistance to your husband when he dresses en -femme? If so, to what extent?

I am tolerant, but that means to the extent that I know he enjoys dressing and but keeps it private. I do not participate or offer any assistance when he dresses. There isn't any chance at all that I will want to see him dressed, the thought makes me physically ill, and he knows and respects this.

(5) What advice would you give to a wife who has refused to accept her husband as a crossdresser?

For all the years that I have known about his interest in CD it has been an individual secret to both of us. We didn't talk about it, when he would bring it up I would change the subject and he would accept it. When the computer came into the picture it escalated beyond anything I could have imagined. It pissed me off more that I can ever tell anyone. It was like someone else came into our marriage and just took over and things were going to change whether I wanted them to or not. It was great for him, he was now understanding that he wasn't alone, and that it was ok for him to dress and do what made him feel good. Now the promises were gone, I was told "I'm sorry, I made promises that now I know I couldn't have kept". I was beyond angry and really scared now. He had a high profile job with high profile people and was also in the military, but it didn't matter. And my feelings didn't matter now either, so our relationship was at times on really shaky ground, especially now that the kids were grown. I really thought that it would cause all the years we had together to just crumble and disappear. He was SO much more adamant in his opinions and feelings and his main purpose in life was to "get me to understand". It was a regular roller coaster ride that pretty much destroyed me inside. I felt that if I wanted to stay in this relationship, I just had to give in and go along .... though I have to say he was still dressing in private, but I was waiting for the next step to deal with. This January, the next step came. He told me that he wanted to dress and go outside the home to support groups and conferences..........he told me all this on new years day. He again sent me a web site to go to. Thank god it was the CDSO group where I met all my new friends. I think he felt that it was a group where I would just do a complete turnaround and be totally accepting and we would walk hand in hand....with him dressed better than me....down the street and the heck with anything. Well, we screamed at each other and yelled and cried and talked and talked and talked and talked and talked....and now I bring it up in the middle of a bite of breakfast at Denny's and he about chokes on his food. The best advice I would give to a non-accepting spouse such as myself is just at least try to talk. It still makes me cringe...that’s the only step I've taken but to me it was a big one. There are no more promises...they won't be kept. Now boundaries are shared....they may not be kept either, but for right now its good...really, really good. I don't feel comfortable giving advice since I am such a non-accepting person in all of this. The good thing is that the short period of time the beginning of January where I was being told what was going to be done whether or not I liked it has softened because of talking. He realized that his high profile position would be a tremendous nightmare if his dressing were to be known. So for now I feel comfortable, but I'm scared to death of the next step without dwelling on it.

(6) Assuming that you were NOT receptive, accepting, tolerant, when you learned of your husband's dressing, what could he have said or done that would have changed your non-acceptance to one of at least CAUTIOUS acceptance?

Honestly, nothing to cause acceptance. Tolerant again, is the word that comes to mind. Tolerant because I knew it was there, was going to be there, but I wanted no part of it. It wasn't ok that he was dressing, but I knew there was nothing I could do about it. It was better that he didn't say anything to try to change my acceptance because I may have left then. I think he was pretty much just "coming clean" on something that was really bothering him at that moment. I don't even think that he felt that I would accept, it was just good for him to tell me.

(7) Would you rather have never found out about his crossdressing at all? Why or why not?

I definitely would rather have never found out about his crossdressing at all. It introduced a part to our marriage that consisted of secrets and lies and for a time destruction of trust and self-confidence on both our parts. It's at times made us both extremely depressed, especially in the past to the point of self destruction....not now....but in the past. Marriage or a relationship is in itself a tough job, but to throw in a crowbar like crossdressing is a hurdle that I don't want to wish on anyone.

(8) What are your major OBJECTIONS to your husband's crossdressing? Why?

The effect it could have on his career and life if others he is associated with knew. I realize this is my fear, but after talking, he realized that it is a legitimate thing to think about. The fear of our children finding out and maybe going through the same unbelievable feelings that I have, and the possibility of them looking at their "hero" in a completely different light and how it would affect him to have them look at him in a different light.

(9) If you have objections (see question 8), what could he do SHORT OF STOPPING crossdressing, to satisfy (eliminate) your concerns?

Other than stopping, which is a true impossibility no matter what anyone says... to talk about feelings and wants before demanding them. To understand boundaries and never, never, never make any more promises. Can't ask more of that. And not force the issue if it makes me completely and totally uncomfortable.....just talk about it to find out what conclusion you can come to.

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