We are ALL born different.
Different color hair, eyes, skin, intelligence capabilities (I.Q) of
differing levels, deformaties, even different races or gender. Do we
scorn and make fun of those who are different from us. Sadly, there are
many that do, but does this make it right? Of course, NOT! Does one
have the choice to be born deaf? Blind? What about being bi-polar, left
or right-handed, or to be born with physical deformities such as
missing, deformed, or extra limbs? And what about temperament - why are
some people hot tempered while others are slow to anger? Do we scorn
and make fun of those who are autistic, epileptic, or slow learners?
What about those who are bald, should we laugh at them, point them out
and blame them for their baldness? The point is that we don't have a
choice in any of these things.
We don't criticize those who have been born this way or have become
this way due to circumstances over which they had no control simply
because we are fully aware that they had no CHOICE in the matter. Only
the most cruel and thoughtless of people would even think of mocking
those such as some of the ones mentioned above. So just why is it that
crossdressers are any different? We didn't ask to be crossdressers, but
the fact remains that we ARE, and regardless of what we try to do about
it, the research, surveys, and all the data gathered from them is proof
that it's pretty much going to be a permanent part of one's overall
personality characteristics. That doesn't mean that it's going to be
obvious, but rather that it's something that is a considerably
important contributing factor whether one realizes it or not.
So what does a crossdresser do? He can keep it hidden from anyone and
everyone. Maybe this is a possibility for some, but for most this isn't
going to work. For those married CDs the odds are simply too great that
sooner or later in a worst case scenario he's going to get caught
dressed. Less traumatic, but equally damaging would be the discovery by
his wife, or girlfriend of his collection of feminine clothing, makeup,
wigs, shoes, etc, and the ensuing questions that would then be
inevitable. And even if he's never caught or "her" things are
discovered, there's always the possibility of that tiny smidgen of
mascara or some other type of
makeup that wasn't totally removed that could raise a question or two.
Plainly stated, the odds of being "outed" are in favor of one or more
of these things happening.
However, for those who do manage to keep it hidden there is the
constant and unrelenting stress and anxiety of doing so. Needless to
say, this is not a healthy way to live since such inner stresses very
often lead to actual physical health problems.
The other side of the coin is the crossdresser who finally musters up
the intestinal fortitude to open up and tell his spouse (if he has one)
about himself. This too can go in any of several different directions.
As a general rule, unless they had previous suspicions about it, these
spouses are shocked to begin with and they will USUALLY follow pretty
much the same steps as someone who is grieving about something: Denial,
Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and finally Acceptance. It's important
to note here that this last step - acceptance - does NOT mean that they
accept the crossdressing, but rather that they accept the fact that
their spouse is a crossdresser. This acceptance we're talking about
here is the gateway to beginning to understand the crossdresser's
feelings and as such it opens the door to open communication to discuss
it with him. Without this acceptance on the part of his spouse, totally
open communication isn't possible because he will always have the
feeling that he's either compounding the situation or that her
acceptance is merely superficial and she's only listening and going
along with him to "coddle" him. It's important to understand that the
progression through these steps is different for each individual and
any one of the steps can last as little as a few hours, or up to days,
weeks, months and in some cases even YEARS.
For those who might be fortunate enough to gain the acceptance of their
partners (acceptance in THIS context meaning that they are given
liberties of some degree to dress or give physical expression to their
inward feelings) are most likely to lose most of the inner turmoil and
inhibitions they have kept bottled up inside them PROVIDED they have
also accepted THEMSELVES. Oddly enough, this 'self-acceptance' is
sometimes a huge hurdle for some CDs to overcome - sometimes even more
difficult than for a spouse to accept - and until they are successful
in doing so their inner stresses will continue to exist and will have
definite effects on their overall personality and relationships with
those who mean the most to them.
The point here is that crossdressers are BORN crossdressers - they
don't just suddenly decide they want to be crossdressers and then jump
into it head first. Arguments may arise over that statement, but this
is what all the research and data points to. The exact cause isn't
known and may never be discovered since crossdressing isn't defined as
an activity that's a health threat to the person participating in it or
to those with whom the participant is associated with. Furthermore,
it's a low priority subject with the medical community for the very
same reasons. Any physical dangers associated with it are due to the
public's ignorance of what a crossdresser really is and the possibility
of coming into contact with bigots who are determined to "clean up the
human race". These few are usually the same "supremacists" you might
find who are intent on doing harm to gays, blacks, and many times
women. This is precisely why crossdressers have to be very cautious
about those they come into contact with. Organized events, and there
are hundreds of them across the country every year, offer safe
environments and a haven for those who would like to attend them and
that includes the spouses too. Such events provide an outlet for
expression without any need to be worried about what others may be
saying or thinking. Additionally it affords both crossdressers and the
spouses the opportunity to openly discuss the issues with each other.
There are often groups at these events for the spouses only and it's
the ideal place to field any concerns and questions with other spouses
who are in similar situations.
In conclusion, crossdressers don't make a voluntary decision to become
crossdressers. It's a hand they are dealt whether they like it or not
and each must find his OR HER (yes, there are female crossdressers too)
way of dealing with it, coping with it, and LIVING with it. Some will
do their utmost to deny it and keep their spouse from ever finding it
out. And although this may be a noble gesture to attempt, in doing so
they also usually deny their spouses the company of a far more well
balanced, caring, and sensitive individual. The choice isn't up to the
crossdresser, and it isn't up to his spouse - it's up to BOTH as a
COUPLE to decide whether they want to learn to accept the things they
cannot change, have the courage to change the things they can, and
secure the wisdom to know the difference."
Dixie
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