The Present

From that time until the present I have had to keep my dressing a secret and very carefully select the times and locations where I can dress without the possibility of being discovered by my wife. I really HATE having to do that! Luckily, my job has evolved to a level where I usually can make several out-of-town business trips each year and this affords me the opportunity to "get out" for a while. As a matter of fact it is about the ONLY outlet I have at the current time. Since I'm not the nightclub type and I'm  totally heterosexual my 'outings' are thus far limited to driving around enfemme and buying snacks and drinks from outdoor vending machines while I'm out. If I can find a safe, well lighted location with the right kind of stores who have window displays I occasionally get out and "window shop" after they are all closed for the night.

Let me repeat a couple of things (you'll find this same thing duplicated on other pages of this site) from that last sentence just to make them clear:

(1) I'm 100% heterosexual and have absolutely no intentions of being anything else

(2) I've always been faithful to my wife and have no intention of spoiling a perfect record

(3) I'm not the nightclub type. There - enough said.

 March 20, 2000

On March 18, 2000, as I was making a quick trip down to the local 7 - 11 store, I was thinking (as usual) about my wife and when to try to tell her about my 'hobby' and open up a line of conversation about it with her. It had taken me over three years to gather material that I had determined was necessary and honest to put a package of documentation together that I had hopes that would cover the subject from just about any angle and viewpoint. I had prayed about it and asked God to send me a sign when the time was right to open this subject up. Before I managed to get back home the sign I had asked for had been revealed to me not just once, but twice in the same instant. I won't go into details as to what it was that I had asked for, but suffice it to say that it was something that was NOT a common, everyday occurrence. I could feel my stomach preparing to turn flip-flops and I got that weak-knee feeling like you get when something scares the living daylights out of you, but I knew the time had arrived and I knew that this exact time had not been chosen by me but by Someone who was much wiser than I was and Whose judgment in the decision was beyond question. So when I got home I got the package out of its 'hiding place' and made mental preparations in an attempt to be ready for whatever was about to happen.

  As if right on queue, the subject of crossdressing came up out of the clear blue (another reason to recognize Devine intervention). As soon as it came up in the conversation, I produced the material and asked her to begin reading. She had a quizzical look on her face, sort of like she had been getting ready to start her usual criticisms, but was stopped short from the package I handed her and what I said. Keep in mind that never before at any time had I actively defended myself when this subject came up in the past, but this time I had jumped in with both feet - something which caught her off guard and something she would have never expected.

  I was actually amazed at how calm and collected I was. I had played this scene over and over in my mind over the years and had imagined being nervous and stressed to the point of being physically sick when the moment arrived, but I was perfectly calm. Well, I actually WAS a LITTLE nervous, but nowhere near the extent to which I had anticipated being. As she began reading the opening letter she stopped before finishing and began asking questions and making comments. I told her that I would be more than happy to answer any and all questions she might have, but before I did I wanted her to read the WHOLE thing. She commented that there was no way she could read "all that stuff" in a couple of hours (the kids were due home in about that length of time). I told her that I didn't expect her to be able to read it all at once and that she could take as much time as she needed and then get back with me about it. The next day I made note of the fact that she placed the material I had given her in the drawer of the nightstand on her side of the bed.

  A week went by with no mention of the occurrences of that night so during a short shopping trip I made up my mind to jog her memory a little on the way home and see if she had done any additional reading or research regarding cross dressing. I don't know why, and it is very strange, but it is more difficult to re-open the subject a second time than it is to introduce it initially and by the time I had worked up my courage to do so we only had about 5 minutes left before we would be home. The brief conversation went something like this:

ME: "Have you had a chance to read any more of the material I gave you last week?"
HER: "Yes." (Long pause occurred here)
ME: "Well, what did you think about it?"
(Another pause, then in a sort of offensive tone:)
HER: "Well, according to some of what I read, some of these people want to go all the way to the point of wearing wigs and makeup and everything. And then they want to go out in public dressed like that. I don't know who they think they're going to fool - I can spot a guy in a dress from a mile away with one eye closed."
ME: "Yes, they do. There are hundreds of support groups where just such people get together on a regular schedule specifically for just that purpose. And contrary to what you might think, the majority of cross dressers don't want to be dressed like hookers and most are not lingerie queens either. Personally, I like the classy, elegant, or refined look."  

That's about where the conversation ended. I was disappointed that it had not gotten down to a personal level and been more detailed about OUR current status and situation rather than just talking in generalities. As I said, for some reason it seems more difficult to re-open the subject after it has been brought out to begin with.

  One consolation I had during this initial coming out phase was the fact that I had company in the form of another CD with whom I had become good friends over the internet. About a week after I opened 'the conversation' with my wife, my friend did the same with his wife. As the email flew back and forth across the net we discovered that we were experiencing the same similarities. In relation to our spouse's reactions and conversations it was almost as if we had never said anything at all. Now, it is a very perplexing situation when you know you need to be discussing something of this magnitude with the love of your life and she acts as though everything is the same and there is no more difference in the relationship now than there was a month ago. The problem is that things ARE different. Only time will tell and I will update this site as necessary as future events unfold.

UPDATE: October, 9, 2000
Well, it finally happened. On Tuesday, September 26, 2000, I had lunch with Abby Walker from Atlanta. We met at a local restaurant and had lunch together. Contrary to the way I had imagined it, I was calm and collected. Abby is one of the nicest persons you'd ever want to meet and I thoroughly enjoyed our brief visit.

And then on Saturday, September 30, 2000, Renae (from North Alabama) and I met at a mutually agreed upon McDonalds and spent over two and a half hours getting to know each other. We have been exchanging email for 6 or 8 months now and we both have been doing all we could to try to get together and now it has finally happened. She is a really sweet and sincere person and we talked about fashions, makeup, deportment, mannerisms, and just about everything that a couple of 'sisters' would have the desire to talk about.

All too soon these meetings had to end and I really regretted it, but I felt that I had reached another milestone along my journey. These two meetings were both endrab and that leads me to set another 'goal' for myself and that is to meet another 'sister' with both of us dressed.  This meeting will be a little more difficult than the last and will most certainly require more time and effort.

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