In my ongoing quest for information and opinions related to
crossdressing I often frequent several different forums. What follows
is a post from a distraught wife who learned of her husband's
crossdressing about 6 months into the marriage and posted this message
to one of the forums. The marriage is presently 10 years old. She had
listed 8 very thought provoking and serious questions which were
replied to by several readers who, for the most part, were providing
serious answers to her questions. One of these replies stood out to me
and you can tell that it came straight from the heart of the replier. I
think his answers were well thought out and will reflect the same
sentiments that a great many crossdressers feel. Naturally there is
some information which is specific to this particular person, but a lot
of what he wrote is common to most of us. I am including it here after
procuring the kind permission of the responder in hopes that it might
be of benefit to someone who might read it - be it crossdresser or his
wife or girlfriend. Both the original post and the reply are completely
unedited and appear exactly as they did in the source where I found
them. The only things that have been omitted are the screen name of the
person who wrote the reply (at his request), and that of the original
poster. Also at his request he asked that I mention the following (in
his own words): "You can add to your introduction to this piece that I
am a middle manager who tries desperately to hold this demon at bay. I
have no desire to be a public figure and continue everyday of my life
to try to find a "cure" for this condition." My personal opinion is
that crossdressing isn't a 'demon', as he has referred to it, but
rather a very unusual gift that some of us have received to learn to
live and cope with, but some DO see it as somewhat of a curse and they
are indeed entitled to those opinions.
One other thing that bears mentioning is that the original poster
received numerous replies that were harsh and completely void of
sympathy for the seriousness of the questions she was asking in all
sincerity. We NEED to be cognizant of these women's desires to know the
answers to these types of questions in the sincerity in which they are
asked.
Dixie
THE ORIGINAL POST
First off, I've been happily married for almost 10 yeears. I found out
about the cd'ing about 6 months into the marriage. I was furious about
being lied to. I just come here a lot and read. I've never posted
before, but think I finally have my thoughts together. It may be a long
post, so bear with me if you will.
1. Why do you all think it's so preposterous that a majority of people think your'e gay?
2. Why all of the secrecy and lies to someone you are saying you love
more than anything and want to spend the rest of your life with?
3. Why is it so horrible if a wife/so does NOT support it? I don't feel that is necessary to have a happy marriage.
4. Why do a lot of you find it appropriate to tell children? That one bothers me the most about any subject in here.
5. Why is there a so called "need" to go out in public? If you dress
just to express your fem side, you can do that at home. I
feel that going out has a sexual satisfaction to it or there wouldn't be the need.
6. still with me? I'm surprised if you are.
7. Why is it necessary to do the whole get up, fake breasts, shaving, etc. if you don't want to be a woman?
8. Why should I make it a point to find out more and be understanding
and supportive? Everyone is always pushing the so's to get support. I
don't need support, you do.
THE REPLY
Good Evening,
As I write this I am unable to look at the forum and see if others
responded to your questions. So I do apologize if this repeats an
answer. I wanted to think this over since if I didn't know better I'd
think it was my wife writing these questions. But since she can't find
the power button to the computer let alone know how to navigate the web
I know it is not her.
I will answer all the questions separately but as I thought about these
I realized that one single word seems to lead or be a significant part
of the questions. And that word is "why?" So in the event that you do
not want to read a long post I will answer
all your questions in a single paragraph at the outset.
Why? I don't know! I am being totally honest here, I don't know why I
want to do this or continue to do this. I am reasonably intelligent,
pretty well grounded in my life in general, have a good job, a loving
wife, and have children that love me and look to me as a person of
strength and wisdom (they are adults, we are past the point when they
knew I was an idiot). I know why I started 45 years ago, but for all
the pain this has caused me in my life, and the short moments of
pleasure I would think that my now 56-year-old mind would simply say,
ENOUGH!
Having said this let me proceed with your questions. I can tell you
right up front, there are those that read and post to this board that
will heartily disagree with my thoughts. It may even get me flamed
since my thoughts are not always the thoughts of this group. I have
never had counseling for this obsession by any professional but have
read extensively on the topic of Cding and all the variations of this
and other fetishes and deviations from what is considered normal.
1. Why do you all think it's so preposterous that a majority of people think you're gay?
I think that anytime people don't understand something they feel a need
to label it so that it fits into a slot that they can come to grips
with. As a male child of the 1950's wearing a yellow shirt meant you
were queer (sorry, it was the word for gay at that time). Yet that same
child of the 1950's could wear pink or powder blue or any other color
that has been identified as female and not have an eyebrow raised. Gay
is easy to understand, even for old rednecks, gay means that you are
different and can be put in a slot that can be dealt with. But wearing
an article of women's clothing, "why you must be gay, a straight guy
would never do that!"
2. Why all of the secrecy and lies to someone you are saying you love
more than anything and want to spend the rest of your life with?
Because this is the way it all began, a huge secret because if it ever
got out that I like the softer side of life (think clothing) I'd be
labeled as gay and I am not gay. I have never felt and attraction for a
man other than the normal love I felt for my father and the kinship I
felt from my brothers, uncles, and guy friends at school. I have been
in the closet my entire life and the smell of mothballs has probably
damaged my brain (my attempt at humor to lighten this up a bit, sorry).
I do not want to hurt you, or anyone else for that matter, with my
choices of clothing. I only want to feel that softer side of me that I
can't explain.
3. Why is it so horrible if a wife/SO does NOT support it? I don't feel that is necessary to have a happy marriage.
Hmmm, tough one. First let me define what I think of as support, this
is different for everyone, but here goes. I want my wife to know that
nothing I do in the privacy of my mind (think closet) is intended to
hurt her or the children. I want her to be able to look me in the eye
and ask, how was your day, and know that I might just tell her that I
had a horrible day. And then I would tell her how strong the desire was
to dress or shop or just say a word or phrase out loud, such as
pantyhose, or bra, or girdle. For some support means that they can
dress in front of their wife, I have never wanted this, what I do is
private and will always be private. I can't address support beyond
this, but I know in my heart that most CD's don't do this and ask for
support to hurt or embarrass anyone.
4. Why do a lot of you find it appropriate to tell children? That one bothers me the most about any subject in here.
Let's define children. There are young children that are under the age
of consent (let's use 18 and under here) and there are adult children.
I absolutely would NEVER think of telling a young child about this. If
at the age of 30, 40, and now 56 I can't explain it to myself how on
God's green earth am I going to tell a young child about this? As far
as telling adult children I think every case is different. My children
know nothing of this and I intend to keep it that way. But this is an
area where honesty comes out again, is it being dishonest to keep this
a secret from the family? Some may have a huge problem wanting secrets
in the family. I will not try to get into the whole subject of those
who CD and want to live as a women and want to take hormones, that is a
subject beyond your question. But I will say that if SRS is in the
picture children have a right to know why Daddy will start looking more
like a Mommy and may find him/herself out of the house for good.
5. Why is there a so-called "need" to go out in public? If you dress
just to express your fem side, you can do that at home. I feel that
going out has a sexual satisfaction to it or there wouldn't be the need.
Honestly, I don't understand this either since my dressing is a private
thing. But let me say that there have been those quiet moments while
being completely dressed and setting alone in a motel while on a
business trip when I thought, "I wonder if I could grab my room key, a
dollar, and get to the pop machine and back without being outed?"
Perhaps this is where going out dressed starts, and unlike you, I don't
think it is sexual gratification, but the thrill. I think risk taking
is part of this whole thing. We are all risking our reputations,
marriages, and jobs by being involved in this to start with. When that
risk fails to give us a lift in spirits do we then want to take it to
the next step? Thank goodness my mind keeps me from trying to make the
long walk to the pop machine and back.
6. Still with me? I'm surprised if you are.
Yup, I'm still here, and I hope you are as well. I don't know why you'd
be surprised that I'd stick with your post. You see, you have not asked
a single question that I have not asked myself a hundred thousand times
before.
7. Why is it necessary to do the whole get up, fake breasts, shaving, etc. if you don't want to be a woman?
I don't want to get personal here and hurt your feelings, nor do I want
to make this post something that will get me booted off this board. But
lets go back to pre-puberty and let me ask you why you might have put
on Mom's or older sister's bra and stuffed it with tissue? Perhaps you
wanted to see what you'd look like fully developed, or perhaps you were
unsure if you even wanted breasts, or maybe you just felt unsure of
yourself. Your reasons don't matter as much as the fact that if you
were like most little girls you played dress-up and had fun doing it.
If I put on a bra I don't want it to hang on me, I want that feminine
shape. And after a while I got tired of a lumpy looking bra that was
stuffed with anything that I could find. As to shaving, I like the way
it feels. No one ever asks you why you shave your legs, under arms, or
other parts of your body. Do they? In fact a
woman in today's world that didn't shave would be noticed quicker than
one that does. I personally don't do make-up or a wig, but if I did it
would be to complete the look. I know some shrink would have a hay day
with this paragraph, but if my goal is to
be feminine for a moment or an hour or a day, why should I not try to
be pretty?
If you will excuse me one rant in all of this here it is. Why is it
cute for a little girl to put on Daddy's shirt and hat and slip into
his shoes and pretend to be Daddy? But when a young boy slips into
anything female it is a problem? Why is it that a teenage girl can wear
her dad's boxer shorts as outerwear and it is fashion? Why is it that
every male garment has a copy in the female arena, and some, like
boy-leg panties, even carry the name? Yet a man can't wear anything
female without fearing the wrath of the world! Why is it that the only
way a man can dress as a woman is if he makes a joke of it (think
Halloween and men dressing to look like hookers), yet a woman can dress
in a suit that looks exactly like a man's and no one thinks a thing of
it? Whew, I feel better now, I'll continue.......
8. Why should I make it a point to find out more and be understanding
and supportive? Everyone is always pushing the SO's to get support. I
don't need support, you do.
You are 100% right, I need support. If I can't find it at home then I
will find it elsewhere, either at the shrink's office at some huge
price or perhaps I will want to dress and go out to a place where there
are others who understand our mutual need to dress. We don't know why
we do this when our adult minds tell us it is not acceptable, but we
know that someone that is dressed will understand that some inner need
is compelling me and there is support in knowing that the person
looking at me knows something about it. There is support in this group.
Not all those who post here will agree with my thoughts, but they for
the most part will respect me enough to allow me this indulgence. Will
I get this same understanding at home?
As to do you need to understand I will ask this. If I were alcoholic or
drug addicted, would you try to understand me and support me as I tried
to get through my dependency? If I had cancer or back trouble would you
want to be there helping me get through the tough times or would you
want to shove me off in a corner with medical professional and say,
"when you're better come on back into my life." If I had a mental
illness or depression would you want me to go away until I got better?
In all of these things I think if you are a loving wife you would read
every article you could and try to find ways to support me. You might
join ALANON or NARCONON (I hope I have the abbreviations correct) in an
attempt to find out what you could do to support me and yourself. If I
had cancer you'd find me the best professional help possible to cure
it, and if a cure wasn't to
happen you'd set by my bed until I breathed my last breath.
But because I am a cross dresser you want me to stop what I do, never
talk about it or my desires, and never do or say anything that will
make you think I am back sliding. You don't want to read an article,
book or website to discover some of the problems you and I will face.
You only want it to "just go away!"
Well this will never just go away. I will get personnel here because I
believe so much of what has happened in the last 40 odd years goes back
to a single moment or two at the age of 11. And perhaps others can
attest to this as well. When this all started I had some need to
experiment, I won't go into my need since it is personal, but I know
that at the very moment that I touched my first garment I began a
journey of a lifetime. But this moment is not what drove this so deeply
in my mind, no it was my mother who represented society in general.
When we discover our children experimenting in things we think will
hurt them we almost always over react, in my humble opinion. We scold,
threaten, spank, punish, ground them, all sorts of ways to get their
attention. But rare is the parent that says, "Gee this doesn't look
good, lets set down and talk about this and see where it takes us."
Rare is the parent that says this last line and means it, many may say
it but will bring there bias with them and know that in the end, "I am
the parent and I can mold this child's mind to my way of thinking."
Now if you're still with me, and I hope you are, here is the root of
all the evil, this is the birth of my demon. In that moment at eleven
years old when my mother discovered my secret was shocked, embarrassed,
angry and turned away. Are you turning away from your husband right
now? Because if you are you are cementing in his mind the same thing he
has felt his entire life, that is, he is different and doesn't fit
anywhere. What you say, how you look at him, and how you treat him will
affect him for the rest of his life.
Unlike a mother of the 1950's who came from the depression era and felt
her son had to be queer and the best way to deal with it was to shun
him, you have a choice. It is clear, divorce him or learn what it is
that gnaws at his mind and soul. I refer to this as my demon, some on
this board don't like that term, and I also refer to it as feeding the
beast when I allow myself to dress or shop. Perhaps your husband has a
different take on it, but in the end he and I are the same person
inside, we did not wake up one morning and say, "I think I will try on
some women's clothing today and see how it feels."
But somewhere along the line, either as a child or as a young adult we
began to want something that society doesn't understand. If we suppress
it we suppress part of ourselves. And if we suppress it long enough it
is possible we'll blow a gasket and act out
in a self-destructive way that will hurt everyone around us. I'm not
talking suicide or hurting you or the family physically here, I am
saying that we may do exactly what a drunk does, go on a binge that
will lead to financial and personal ruin.
How hard would it be to read some articles on this subject, think long
and hard about what it is that he is asking for as far as support goes?
How hard would it be to speak to a medical professional about this or
ask your husband if he'd submit to mutual therapy? I am not saying that
you will seek a cure, but rather I think you need to find out exactly
what he wants and then decide if you can do this. Try to understand
that some inner force is driving this and there is no pill or
vaccination that will make it go away without altering who and what he
is. Don't drive a wedge between you that will never go away.
I could not stand by my mother's bedside as they pulled life support. I
ran away and hid down the hall as the life left her body. My wife found
me trembling and sobbing and thought it was total grief at Mom's
passing. Those in the extended family felt it was because I was weak,
but the real reason was that I knew she would pass on without knowing
that her son was still plagued with a desire he couldn't explain. He
was still trying to tame the beast inside, but he was not gay and he
did not do this to hurt her. I could not, even as she lie in a coma,
tell her, "Mom, I love you and I am sorry that my pre-pubescent mind
put me in a position that caused you the pain of thinking your son was
doing this to hurt you." I am not mentioning all this in a play for
sympathy. I mention it because her death was a turning point in my
life. I went through several months of shock and disbelief at her
sudden and unexpected death and when this wore off I fell into a pit of
self-despair and self-loathing for my weakness in telling her what I
thought.
When I pulled myself out of this pit of despair I determined that I
would never let something go unsaid again, regardless of the potential
hurt or embarrassment that it might cause. We never know what twists
and turns life has in store for us, and at those final moments when we
look back at how we treated our loved ones we should have no regrets
for not saying what needed to be said. The real root of my despair was
that I didn't try to reconnect with my mother after 35 years of awkward
silence between us. She did nothing to try to understand what was going
on in my pre-pubescent mind, and although a full understanding of a
cross dressing child may not have been readily available in the late
1950's, certainly love should have been able to conquer any lack of
knowledge.
Don't let your lack of knowledge on your part force you apart. Don't
let your fear of what he might want you to do make you turn away from
him. But don't let him bully you into doing his bidding, if you can't
accept what he wants but instead be open and honest with him and your
limits and then move on with your life. Because in the end, if you two
really are meant to be partners for life, you should be able to find a
way through this. You said that it is not you that needs support but it
is me. Yes I need support, but if you plan to continue married life
with a CD then you are going to need some sort of support structure.
There is no way that you can ignore this and expect that it will just
go away. I have made a solid commitment to my wife that I will stop
dressing, and for 13 months I have been 100% faithful to this promise.
Not once during that time did we discuss it, but it was still there
between us. And as we head for those golden years of retirement it is
my hope that the thoughts and memory of my behavior will dim in our
memories, but until it does, if it does, it will be between us.
Your final words were:
Thanks and I look forward to all of the replies.
And my final word, thank you for reading and if you choose to comment I
will be happy to read your thoughts. If you choose not to respond then
I at least hope you will look for some support, either professional, or
self study, that will help you understand that your husband is
fulfilling some inner need and the way you react will determine how the
rest of his life, and yours, will come out.
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