OK, let's say that your
husband (or boyfriend as the case may be) has come out to you that he's
a crossdresser. A sufficient amount of time has passed and you've made
the decision either try to learn about this and make an attempt to
accept it, or you've decided that you just can't deal with it. Where do
you go from here?
If you fall into the category of not being able to deal with it, or
rejecting it without a second thought, I'm sorry but I can't help you.
However, be aware that whether you feel this way or not, your mate's
NEED (yes, there's that word again) to continue on won't stop. In all
probability what will happen is that he'll just surround his
crossdressing activities with a cloak of secrecy. In addition he will
exclude you from knowing any of the hundreds of friends he's either
already found or will find in the future who are crossdressers or
spouses of crossdressers. It's sort of similar to the old saying "You
can take the boy out of the country, but you can't take the country out
of the boy", except in this case it should read, "You can take the man
away from the crossdressing, but you can't take the crossdressing away
from the man." And even though keeping secrets from each other in this
manner is not a good recipe for a trusting and happy marriage, couples
have been known to remain intact by adopting a "don't ask - don't tell"
policy. It's not the happiest scenario, but at the very least they
remain partners.
Now, on the other hand, if you've decided to at least TRY to work with
him about this and can do so without using crossdressing as a "weapon"
against him every time you have a disagreement there's a lot of promise
in the relationship for the both of you. The first order of business is
to establish an open communication policy and not be afraid to tell
each other when you don't agree about something related to
crossdressing. He needs to realize that you have a right to participate
in establishing certain boundaries and limitations as to when, where,
how often, and to what extent he can dress. After all, the unselfish
gift of your willingness to allow him to do this is something that
every married crossdresser dreams of and covets more than anything else.
You are now beginning to ask yourself just what it is that you've
gotten yourself into here and what is it that he wants to do with this
permission he's obtained. Let me suggest a few things here that you
might hear requests concerning from your husband.
He may very well seek out your advice and maybe even your assistance in
learning to use makeup and how do style his hair (wig) in a manner
which is most to his advantage. I know it may seen strange and foreign
for you to embark on a mission of training a man to perform these
tasks, but many wives who have undertaken these projects report that
they find that after a while they begin to enjoy it. I can just hear
you now saying that "It ain't gonna happen with me!", but at least give
it a try if he asks for help and you might change your tune after a
while.
He's probably already got a particular dressing 'style' that appeals to
him and it's possible that it could be the one that's "right" for him.
However, a lot of crossdressers lose touch with reality when it comes
to this and are completely oblivious to what actually might be the most
becoming look for them. That's where your years of experience in
fashion will be a valuable asset to him. Give him some suggestions
based on your years of experience and fashion prowess as to what would
look best on him. Obviously, men and women are built differently and it
will take some pulling in here and some padding out there to begin to
assimilate the proper curves in the right places. Even then, most men
are not going to look like the girls on the cover of 'Fashion
Illustrated'. Tight fitting skirts and blouses seldom look as good on a
man as they do on a woman and it's often much more advisable to select
a more loose fitting dress to obtain a softer and more womanly
appearance. Of course all this fashion advise could be null and void if
he's only going to remain within the confines of the house when he
dresses. If that's the case, then he can 'safely' wear whatever he
enjoys the most. However, if he intends to make a public appearance
sometime, then fashions which are the most conducive to a lady like
appearance are definitely in order. And that brings us to another
'want' he is almost certain to have. If not now, in the future he will
want to meet others (crossdressers) in locations outside your home.
This is a sort of natural 'progression' so you should expect it in the
future if he's not already wanting to do so.
Meeting others (crossdressers and their wives) is something that every
crossdresser eventually wants to do. So as to put you mind at ease
about it, there are right and wrong places to do this. Before setting
up a meeting with one or more others, he should do a thorough check
about those he'd like to meet. If it's someone he has been talking to
for a long time and is comfortable that this person, or persons, is/are
"safe" to meet, there should be no problem. Meetings of crossdressers
occur almost every week in homes all across the country and as a rule
the entire purpose is simply to get together and socialize. In
addition, there are organized support groups that meet in predetermined
locations such as restaurants, private hotel dining rooms, etc. And
there are also national events where crossdressers from across the
country gather once or twice a year to meet each other and hear
lectures and such from professional people and leaders in the
organizations. Wives are almost always encouraged to attend these
events too and within a lot of the larger groups there is usually a
separate support group designed specifically for the wives.
Meeting others may go 'against the grain' with some wives, but it's
something that every crossdresser will want to do. Small (usually
local) meetings held at someone's home are usually very informal and
the number of attendees is usually small and limited to those who are
known well enough to assure that decency and decorum prevail above
everything else.
So, you can anticipate him eventually wanting to meet others face to
face. Be prepared for this request and don't be bashful about
discussing it when it comes up. Remember what I said about open
communication - it's the single most important key in maintaining a
healthy relationship.
Finally, and more than anything else, he wants your support. I've said
this hundreds of times in communication with others and you'll find in
numerous other places on the pages of this site, but it bears repeating
here once more: He didn't wake up one day and simply decide that he
wanted to be a crossdresser. It's something that he was born with and
the choice was not his. Furthermore, it's a NEED that he has and it's
going to be fulfilled one way or another. In describing this need I
often compare it to a person who has been deprived of food and water
who is taken to a restaurant and allowed to see and smell all the food
available there and watch everyone else eating, but denied any of the
food himself. Sooner or later he WILL eat something or he will perish.
The quality of what he eats can be anything from garbage to a seven
course meal - the decision to provide him with this nourishment is
entirely up to you.
His 'food' is your love and support - IN THAT ORDER. And in return he
will reciprocate by providing you with the same thing. Once again, open
and honest communication with love and understanding and without anger
or embarrassment is the key factor in contributing to this support. He
shouldn't place unreasonable demands on you and you shouldn't place
them on him. Compromise is absolutely essential here and once both
sides of the relationship realize that and begin to practice it,
harmony will come to the both of you.
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