There are a lot of sites on the web which
deal with the subject of crossdressing. Some are utterly useless as far
as providing support to those who might access the site, some have
support for the crossdresser himself, and a few try to provide
something for both the crossdresser as well as his wife/girlfriend. It
is my hope that you, as a reader, will find something here that will
help you in some way regardless of your status.
OK, your husband (or boyfriend as the case may be) has just dropped a
bombshell on you when he told you that he was a crossdresser. You may
have felt sick to your stomach, afraid, mad, deceived, or any number of
emotions separately or all at once. It took you a while to settle down
and now you're looking for some answers. You may not want to hear what
I can tell you simply because of the fact that I am also a
crossdresser. If it's any consolation to you, my wife of 33 years has
never accepted it either. But she HAS learned a few things about it
that you might not know and that's made things a little easier to cope
with.
To begin with, it might surprise you to learn that conservative
estimates indicate that from 5% to 10% of all men crossdress on a
regular basis to some degree or another. This would put them in a
minority group, but you have to admit that 10% would be a lot of men in
the United States alone - let alone the whole world. There was a time
in the past when crossdressing was looked upon as a deviant behavior
and those who participated in it were perverts. As more and more became
known about it, and studies began to emerge, it was determined that it
was NOT an illness, and wasn't as unusual or isolated as was first
believed. More recently the Medical Association as well as the
Psychiatric Association has ruled that crossdressing is not a sickness
or mental illness and is actually quite common. Furthermore, over 90%
of crossdressers are totally heterosexual, most are married and have
children, they hold well paying jobs - often in highly technical
fields, and are very active in community improvements and civic
affairs. Not surprisingly some are political officials in high ranking
offices and there are many who are in the field of law enforcement.
Studies and surveys suggest that the average crossdresser is actually
ABOVE average in intelligence.
This may not be any comfort to you since these are all "other" people
we are talking about and your problem is very up close and personal.
However, that fact remains that you are now aware of your partner's
feminine side and nothing I or anyone else can do will ever turn the
clock back to where it was before he told you. Therefore we need to
work toward what should we do about it now.
There are a few facts that have been confirmed over the years and you
need to be aware of them. First, you need to know that, in no way, are
you to 'blame' for his unusual desire to dress in women’s' clothes. I
would venture to tell you that if you talk to him about it, he will
tell you that he was a crossdresser long before the two of you ever
met. Furthermore if you dig deeper into his past he will probably
relate to you that the first time he ever had such desires was when he
was between 6 and 10 years old. Some discover this earlier and some
later, but the median age is between 6 and 10. Sexual motivation is not
a factor at such an early age (though it may come into play to some
extent sometime after puberty) so saying that sexuality is the cause of
crossdressing would be an untrue statement.
The motivation for dressing is, in no way, an attempt to provide
himself with a substitute for you. In actuality, his appreciation and
love for you could be one of the driving factors, but you can bet it's
not what got him started originally. Crossdressers have an admiration
and appreciation for the feminine persona - especially their wives -
that transcends and far surpasses that of a non-crossdressing male.
This is actually an asset to the wife or girlfriend if she realizes
this, and it can be used greatly to her advantage.
This might sound strange, but he won't be able to tell you just why he
enjoys doing this. He might tell you why he THINKS he enjoys it, but
medical science has yet to produce a definite cause for this behavior.
There are some really interesting and persuasive theories (one of which
is discussed elsewhere on this site) as to what causes one to want to
crossdress, but at the present time that's all they are - theories.
Now, getting back to your partner. He might be the type of man who
would wrestle alligators, fight a man twice his size (and win!), be the
winner in a motocross race, or any other act that would prove his
fierceness and bravery. But you can take this to the bank - when he
told you that he was a crossdresser, it was just about the toughest and
most frightening thing he has ever done and you would be wise to
recognize this. He's had to carry this around with him his entire
lifetime until finally the sneaking around and deceit took its tole and
he couldn't bear to keep it from you any longer. He must love you an
awful lot to entrust you with a secret such as this because this is
something that he has gone to all extremes to keep from everybody.
I have one crossdressing friend who dressed as a female the very first
time because his wife asked him to so. This triggered a desire that he
had had all of his life, but was completely unaware of until he dressed
initially at the instance of his wife. Since that first time he has
continued to dress and he and his wife enjoy it together in the privacy
of their own home. This is out of the ordinary since, as I've mentioned
in other areas of this site, this is something that he was BORN with
and it usually manifests itself in adolescence. "BORN WITH?" you ask.
Yes, he was born with crossdressing tendencies and there is nothing he
could do to prevent it. You might compare it with someone who is born
with a physical handicap. Some people come into this world with
deformities such as six fingers or toes, blindness, missing or deformed
limbs, or thousands of other possibilities. These people were totally
helpless to prevent these defects and a great many of them will never
see the time when these problems will be corrected because the science
and technology is not there to change them. We are compassionate
towards these people because we are aware that they had no choice in
the condition in which they came into this world. And yet we are quick
to ridicule and chastise the crossdresser as if he should have complete
control over his tendencies and be able to turn them on or off like a
light switch. I can assure you that this is not the case. In recent
years, as medical, psychological, counseling, and therapy professionals
began to realize that crossdressing is an inborn trait and thus can not
be eliminated. 'Treatment' for the condition has been revised to help
the crossdresser and spouses learn to cope with the phenomenon and live
with it with dignity.
Support groups for both the crossdresser and his partner are in
abundance all over the country and more are being formed every week.
The largest and most well organized of these is probably Tri-Ess with
chapters in most major cities. This organization has been instrumental
in saving many marriages and, in all probability, prevented many
potential suicides. It is open to all crossdressers and their
spouses/girlfriends, and is well worth investigating. They have a
strict set of rules designed and put into place to maintain dignity and
respect for every individual who belongs to their organization. Monthly
meetings provide a sanctuary for the membership to assemble and discuss
whatever is on their minds and there is usually a special support
meeting at these monthly get togethers just for the wives and
significant others.
I've only begun to touch the highlights here, and I'm sure there are
those who will read this who will have serious questions to which they
have yet to find answers. That's to be expected and it is often easier
to seek answers to some of these questions from a person who is
familiar with the subject and with whom you are unacquainted. Likewise,
it is often much easier for the crossdresser to ask another
crossdresser serious questions. As strange as it might sound, it is
also usually less stressful for a crossdresser to talk to a new female
acquaintance who is supportive, than it is to talk to his own wife or
girlfriend. As a reader, it is assumed that you came to this site
looking for information and answers. Maybe you were only curious to see
what the site contained. Whatever the reason please feel free to
email me
at any time if I can answer any questions you might have about anything
mentioned here. Bear in mind that I am not a medical professional in
any sense of the word, but I can give you my honest and straightforward
answers and opinions.
