It
recently dawned on me that for as long as this site’s been up and running
I’ve never put an actual bio page on it.
Oh, there are a lot of snips here and there, but not a bio as such so I
thought it might be about time to take on this task.
My
wife and I were married in the late sixties. It was the first, and thus far, the
ONLY marriage for both of us. I don't have any idea that it would be
relevant to my story, but on the Halloween before we married we went out
together in costume. She was dressed male and I as female. At that point in time
I think that for her it was just something fun to do and there were no
suspicions as to me being a crossdresser. For me it was a total thrill, but of
course I couldn't let on like I was enjoying it so much.
After
we married it was a year or more before I even thought about dressing. I had it
figured that the urges would be gone and nothing more than a post nuptials
memory. However, as is almost always the case with other crossdressers I was
dead wrong and the need to dress came back with a vengeance. I kept it hidden
but every now and then would put on one of her night gowns or negligees and
parade around in front of her as a 'joke' until she appeared to get tired of it
and told me that it wasn't funny any more and she wished I'd quit it.
At
that time we were both working since we didn't have any children. Her job was a
straight Monday through Friday job while mine required some week end work.
Working on week ends required that I take a day off during the week and it was
during these times when I was alone at home that I would take the opportunity to
dress. I had nothing of my own other than a cheap wig, but at that time I was
really slim and I could fit into a lot of her things so I made use of her
clothes to dress. Although I never was caught, I'm sure she had her suspicions
since she'd sometimes make comments about my eyes looking strange (mascara and
liner remnants I suppose), or something else that didn't look quite 'natural'
when she'd come home from work. Let me add here that this was the first time in
my life I'd had access to all the feminine finery a woman wears. I had no
sisters in my family, and my only brother and I were raised basically by my
grandparents due to my mother and father being divorced when I was only 7 or 8
years old. I lived a lot with my mother, but the majority of my childhood was
spent living with my grandparents. And just for the record, I don't, in any way,
associate this arrangement with my being a crossdresser.
Several
years, (and two children later) after we married one of the local churches was
having an all-male beauty pageant. It was during the time of the Citizen's Band
radio craze. We would get on the air chatting and joking with the locals at
night and eventually someone dared one of the others to enter the contest. One
thing led to another and it wasn't long before almost everybody had been 'dared'
into submission. Naturally I was among those who would be in the contest so we
set about locating a formal gown, shoes, wig, etc, for the upcoming event. It
was held on a Saturday night and as I remember I had to work until noon that
day. After I got home I had a few other things to do I it seemed to me that the
time would NEVER come to get dressed. Eventually, however, the wife had fixed
supper and as soon as we finished eating she said something to me that secretly
thrilled me from my toenails to the tips of the hair on my head. She told me I
needed to hurry up and shower and go put my dress on. I have no idea that she
was aware of the way that sounded to me, but it's something I'll NEVER forget.
Anyway, I showered and shaved really close and proceeded to the bedroom where
the clothes I was to put on were laid out on the bed. We had managed to borrow
and long black very elegant evening gown with flowing chiffon sleeves from one
of the ladies we knew and I'd picked up a pair of black patent 3 inch pumps at
the local thrift shop. A long brunette wig had been obtained from one of our
relatives and the rest was provided from my wife's things. I put on the black
panties, a matching bra (which I filled out with water balloons), and the sheer
black stockings. Lifting the dress off the bed and removing it from the hanger I
stepped into it and put my arms through the sheer sleeves. As it settled around
me and onto my shoulders my wife zipped it up in the back and although I didn't
tell her about it I was totally euphoric at the time. I didn't think I could
feel any more wonderful than that until I put the wig on and she started fixing
it and putting on my makeup. I intentionally didn't look in the mirror until she
had finished her handiwork and I'd slipped the high heels onto my feet. I'm not
sure, but I really don't believe that women (GGs) feel the same way that a CD
does when they get all dolled up because if they did they'd probably stay
that way all the time. Yes, it's something special for women, but it is so much
MORE to a hetero crossdresser. Anyway, I finally looked in the mirror and I had
to sit down after I did. My wife's skills were evident and I was almost at the
point of tears of joy when I saw my reflection. There is NO WAY to describe what
a CD feels at a time like that. I think one of the major contributors to that
feeling is that it was all done in the presence of, with the approval of,
and BY the wife. That makes it "OK" for that one time and it just
seems that at that point in time all is right with the world.
Anyway,
we went on the church. As a matter of information I WON the contest and
afterward (as a bunch of daredevils are prone to do) we once again began daring
each other to go get a cup of coffee while we were dressed. It ended up with
about a dozen of us 'gurlz' going to one of the local restaurants accompanied by
our wives and just having a BLAST in doing so. You'd have to picture me walking
in with a tiara on my head and carrying a dozen red roses to get the full
effect.
Anyway,
as is the saying, "All good things must come to an end" and such was
my night enfemme. Understandably I had to hide a most profound sadness when I
took it all off and showered when I got home. The realization that it was all
over with and not having the faintest idea if I'd ever get to do anything like
that again was a heavy weight on my shoulders.
A
few years later I got a promotion at work. This began to afford me an overnight
out of town trip once in a while which also provided me with the chance to free
"Dixie" from her closet while I was gone. In addition it provided
ample opportunity to be able to work with makeup and learn to use it correctly.
One other thing it did was to opened the doors to be able to shop (endrab) for
femme clothes and accessories. My wife was always suspicious when I'd come home
from these trips and I have a feeling she KNEW I had been dressing while I was
gone. Also, if she DID suspect I had, she'd have that now-familiar 'haughty'
attitude when I got home and a certain 'coldness' for a few days
afterward.
It
was along about this time that I managed to get a copy of "The Transvestite
And His Wife" by Virginia "Charles" Prince. There was no internet
at the time and very scant information available about crossdressing. In
fact, the word "crossdresser" hadn't even been coined and the proper
description at that time was "transvestite". Anyhow, I read this book
and then showed it to my wife. She glanced over it, and discounted it as
just so much garbage and she never looked at it again. I refused to press the
issue and didn't try to force anything on her. That one book, however, opened my
eyes to the fact that I WASN'T alone any more in my desires to dress in women's
things, and more importantly that I wasn't a pervert or a mentally ill person
because I loved feminine clothes. It was right about then that I accepted myself
(whether anybody else was going to or not).
Over
the next few years reached a point where I traveled several times a year and
unless it wasn't practical I drove to every distant location so I could take
Dixie's things (I've accumulated a limited, but quite nice collection of nice
things) with me and enjoy letting her out when possible. But there was always
THAT 'attitude' from my wife when I got back home.
Once
the internet became available and the information about crossdressing was
available to anyone who would take the time to look for it, I became a
"walking encyclopedia" about the transgendered community. I knew I
wasn't gay, didn't want to BE a woman in the physical sense, and I didn't want
to make any kind of drastic changes to my body (via surgery or drugs) so I had
to figure out where it was that I fit in, in this complex community. Over the
next few years I educated myself about crossdressing, transvestism (they ARE
different), transsexualism, drag queens, homosexuality, SRS, hormones, and
anything else that I could find that was even remotely related. Once comfortable
with the net, I emailed the first crossdresser I ever made contact with and it
scared the hell out of me when I'd gotten a response the very next day. I soon
began to realize that there was a large percentage of these people
(crossdressers) who were just like me in the way they thought and what their
interpretation of crossdressing really was. It was with this heterosexual group
that I made many contacts and friends and with whom I began to correspond and
chat. It was also about this time that I made a decision that I HAD to
"come out" to my wife and just admit to her what she actually
probably already knew anyway - that yes, I was a crossdresser. So once again I
began researching the information available, but this time I made hard copies of
a lot of what I found. I was careful to only keep reliable and even more
importantly creditable information and leave all the garbage out there where I
found it. For over two years I picked and selected highly accurate and
informative material and assembled it all in a 3 ring binder. Then I waited for
the proper time to present this material to my wife and break the news to her.
You
need to understand that I'm a religious person. Not in the sense that I go
around flaunting it to everybody I see or trying to cram it down their throats.
I'm definitely not a fanatic about it, but I DO believe there's one God who is
the Supreme being over the earth and everything in it. As such, I also believe
that He created us all and that he doesn't make any mistakes. That might sound
unreasonable and not true in view of all the sickness, deformities, and
abnormalities we see in the world, but I think that these things to be seen as
opportunities rather than stumbling blocks placed in our paths. With that in
mind I began to wonder just why I was born a crossdresser. Why would such a
merciful God hang such a burden around someone's neck? The more I thought about
it and the more I prayed about it the clearer it became to me that I was born
this way for a purpose and it was MY responsibility to determine just what that
purpose was and then what I should do about it. This may sound severely
irreverent to some, but all I know to tell them is to try to put
themselves in a similar situation and see how their reasoning changes then. It's
EASY for "Joe Average" to be critical of something or someone that he
(or she) has no experience in, but quite a different matter when they are
forced to become personally involved.
So
in my quest for an answer it occurred to me that with all this information I'd
been exposed to over the years, and with the natural "gift of gab" I
seem to have been born with, and with the computer skills I have, the logical
thing to do would be to try to use all this in combination to help others (CDs
as well as their wives or girlfriends) who were miserable on account of a lack
of understanding and/or compassion about crossdressing. The result was my web
site. It began rather small and lack-luster. It's STILL not a fancy site with
all the lights, buttons, bells, and whistles I've seen on a lot of others, but
it's grown over the years and I'm really pleased to say that I've gotten a LOT
of positive responses about it. Not only that, I've gotten innumerable notes
saying "Thank You" for the good it's apparently done for many of those
who have visited it. I have even been involved in some VERY serious situations
that, I am told, would have ended in tragic results had I not been there to talk
to some people who were in dire need of a shoulder to lean on. Mind you
that I'm not bragging here so please don't look at it that way. In fact, I try
to stay 'low key' and just quietly help those I can. The point here is that I
believe that my 'mission' is to help those I can and it seems to be that this is
what God had in mind when he gave me the "gift" of crossdressing. No
one (save for a few very special women) can understand what a crossdresser feels
and what goes on in their minds like another crossdresser can and that's why I
feel like I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing with this VERY odd
"gift".
OK,
back to the information I put in the binder. After I got it all put together I
waited. I've seen it said hundreds of times that when you select a time to tell
your wife about your crossdressing it needs to be a time when everything's
running along really smoothly and when she's in a good mood. So what I did was
to pray for a sign to let me know when the time was right to tell her and give
her the information I'd put into the binder. Over a year passed and in March of
2000 after a little argument (not CD related) I had to make a trip to the store
one night. On the way home, my sign was revealed to me not once, but twice
within 30 seconds. So, I'm thinking to myself, "This CAN'T be right - not
after an argument and before everything has had a chance to settle back
down." But I'm not one to second-guess God nor to challenge His decisions
so as soon as I got home I had her sit down, I handed her the information, and I
proceeded to come out to her in an 'official' capacity. (Like I said, she'd
suspected it all along and to be truthful I think she was sure of it, but the
"Clinton Policy" {i.e Don't ask - Don't tell} had long sense been
invoked and she would never talk about it). I tried to explain to her briefly
that I wanted her to read the material in the binder including the 5 page
personal letter to her I'd put on top, and then ask any questions she might
have. I'm telling you, I think I'd rather have cut off my own leg than I would
have had to come out to her that way. I can't recall many things I've ever done
that were so gut wrenching.
She
asked a few questions and I answered them as best I could but reminded her that
a lot of the answers could be found in the information I gave her. So I asked
her to read it first and then ask all the questions she wanted. The next week or
so there was nothing at all said about it and at about 10 days I tried to bring
it up again. The conversation lasted every bit of 3 minutes and one more attempt
a few days later yielded the same results.
Since
that night in March she has refused any romantic advances I've made toward her
using the excuse that I would be fantasizing that I was a woman in bed AND that
she would feel like a lesbian. Bear in mind that she's never seen so much as a
picture of me enfemme, much less seen Dixie in person. The single exception is
described in detail beginning in the next paragraph (this is related to
"Halloween 2001" on my web site). In fact, she wouldn't know who
"Dixie" is and nothing about her web site or the group she
established. Not only that, but she'd have to admit that she's never seen any
femininity show through my masculine side either.
Our
house is a two-story house (three if you include the basement and downstairs
area). The master bedroom is on the end of the house that's directly over the
garage and there is one bedroom window from which you can view the driveway at
the garage entrance. Through a series of circumstances (some self-engineered) I
"let myself" be put into a situation where I was more or less
'compelled' by my co-workers to come to work dressed as a woman on Halloween of
2001. That was the ONLY way the wife would have ever put up with it. So on the
night before I secretly shaved my legs (an AWESOME feeling when you wear
stockings the first time over freshly de-burred legs) and when we went to bed I
told my wife that I would get up in the morning and get myself ready downstairs
out of my respect for her. This was because she has said before that she
didn't ever want to see me dressed. She said that that wouldn't be necessary,
but I insisted on it to prove to her that I wasn't trying to take unfair
advantage of her due to the "situation" I had gotten into. So the next
morning I got up just before 5 AM and shaved really close with a new blade and
went downstairs. I spent over 2 hours getting ready and when I had finally
slipped on my dress and shoes (incidentally, the dress was one of hers that she
couldn't wear any more since she'd been on a diet and lost a lot of weight). I
picked up my purse, put my wallet, cigarettes, lighter, keys, and a few cosmetic
'essentials' I figured I'd need during the course of the day and exited through
the basement door to my truck. When I got back home that night I reversed the
procedure and cleaned up before going upstairs. I got one of "those"
looks, but nothing was said. Later that night when we went to bed, as we lay
there in the darkness she asked me where I'd gotten my blonde wig. When I asked
her how she knew it was blond she said she'd watched me leave from the bedroom
window. The odd thing is that this woman has told me several times that she did
NOT want to see me dressed. And then she kept herself awake for over two hours
just so she could watch me leave. And even then the only thing she could see was
the back side and only from the waist up. So she has YET to see what I can do
with makeup.
Now
I ask you - are these the actions of a woman who has said several times that she
didn't want to see her husband enfemme? I think not! I also think that
she'd be shocked if she ever DID see me since I think in her mind's eye she
visualizes me as looking like something you'd see on Jerry Springer or
"Cops".
Now,
about a week later, the wife and I happened to be out shopping at and by chance
ran into one of the ladies from my office who had seen me that day. She (this
woman) went to great extremes to tell my wife what an OUTSTANDING job she had
done on me the previous week. She complimented the outfit, the shoes, and
especially the makeup. I couldn't afford to say or do anything other than just
crack a slight grin, but inside I was about to die laughing since my wife hadn't
even SEEN me - much less had anything to do with the way I looked that day. All
she had to say to this lady was, "Well, he'll do just about anything."
It was all I could do to keep my composure!
And
since that day I've had nothing but positive remarks about how I looked. To this
very day a LOT of the women in the office say it was almost SCARY how much I
looked like a woman. I just usually grin and say something like, "Well, if
something's worth doing at all, it's worth doing it right!"
Getting
back to my story, after my 'official' coming out I've offered to go to
counseling, therapy, see a psychiatrist, talk with a minister, etc. I've told
her that the ONLY requirement I would impose is that whoever she might elect to
go to must have current experience in working with crossdressers and/or the
transgendered community AND that she would go with me. My reasoning was that she
would hear verbatim what was said and discussed. I figured that way there would
be no room for argument about what was said and no misinterpretations. She
immediately refused to talk to ANYONE about it stating that it was MY
‘problem’ - NOT hers. So next I asked he if she would agree to talk with
some other women who had crossdressers as husbands. Again she refused saying
that these people apparently LIKED such an arrangement and besides that she
didn't want to meet any 'weird' people. (You see the defensive and belligerence
showing through here?)
Not
to be easily defeated I provided her with a PC of her own and began teaching her
how to use it to get on line. I book marked several carefully selected sites and
showed her how to access those things I had book marked for her. Then I told her
to wait until she was home alone so me nor anyone else would be disturbing her
and she could spend all the time she wanted to in looking over the sites I'd
marked for her. Later that week I checked her history files to see if she'd
looked and any of the sites I'd marked and found that she had looked at most of
them - FOR ABOUT 3 MINUTES. Since that time she hasn't looked at anything
else on the net that I'm aware of.
As
a final note (bet you thought I was NEVER gonna get to an end, huh?) Her general
attitude is basically the same as it's always been when it comes to
crossdressing. It's almost like a cat & mouse game in which the cat (that's
her) is "toying" around with the mouse (that's me) just trying to make
him do SOMETHING so she can pounce on him. Maybe it's not that way, but that's
the way I feel like it is from the way she acts. Time I spend on the computer at
home is under constant suspicion and it's probably a good thing that she's not
all that PC literate right now since she'd be trying to snoop around on mine
just to see if she could find something to gripe about or criticize me for.
I
really hate that it has to be this way because it's caused me to build up a
resentment against her for not even TRYING to meet me part of the way towards
some kind of arrangement. I think I've gone about 80% of the distance to try to
reach her and yet she won't come out that 20% to meet me. She continues to
refuse to talk about it much at all and that's where a LOT of the problem is.
The LACK of communication is the main problem in that area.
It's
not like I've asked her to participate, see me dressed, offer me advice, or
mentioned anything about sexual relations while dressed. And I've DEFINITELY not
spent any money to speak of on clothes. In fact, just about everything I have
with the exception of foundation garments came from some place like Goodwill,
Salvation Army Thrift Store, etc. Heck, I'd be perfectly satisfied to shut the
door to the bedroom and just be by myself when dressed. Or be allowed to go to
some social event where I can be enfemme, or be left alone in the house all day
once in a while. The problem is (and maybe I'm only imagining this, but it
certainly seems this way to me) she seems to do anything she can to see to it
that I'm NOT alone for any length of time.
Well,
there you have it. It's LONG and believe me I've left some stuff out just to
keep it as short (???) as possible.
Dixie
