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My name is Nikki, I am a crossdresser, and this is my story.
My first encounter with wearing female clothing was at the tender age
of 5. This seems to be a common thread in practically all
crossdresser's lives. We were dressed in girls clothes at one time or
another very early in our lives. In my particular case my older sister
(there is a 5 year difference in our ages) loved to dress me in her old
outgrown clothes as though I were a doll. I can't seem to recall any
reluctance on my part when playing our "dress-up" game, I just knew it
was fun. I recall my sister marching me into the living room dressed as
a sweet little girl and displaying me to my mother. My mother actually
had no negative reaction but actually one of approval. I can still
remember my mother's word's to this day "Well, who is this pretty
little girl?" she asked as she smiled. Although my mother was just
playing along with this seemingly innocent game I believe that her
positive reinforcement further encouraged my desire to dress in girls
clothes. I hold no animosity towards my sister for dressing me in girls
clothes, after all, how was she to know that this was the beginning of
something that would remain with me for the rest of my life. I
continued to crossdress throughout my childhood, going into my mother's
dresser drawers and sneaking a pair of panties, one of her bras and
pantyhose into the bathroom to try them on. The feeling was
exhilarating and somehow I knew I never wanted to stop wearing girls
clothes. My crossdressing continued on through my teen years. I took
close notice of how my sister dressed and how she applied make-up. I
spent a great deal of time watching and learning as my sister would sit
in front of her make-up mirror. I couldn't stop thinking that I wanted
to be pretty too. It wasn't long until I had incorporated make-up into
my regular dressing activities. I suddenly began to find myself faced
with the guilt and shame that accompanies being a crossdresser. I began
to become self destructive, experimenting with drugs and alcohol. As
common a behavior as that may be for a teenager, I now know that it was
a way of escaping my shame for crossdressing. All I knew was that I was
different from my male friends. I more closely associated with the
girls in my social circle and I constantly admired their style of
dress. I was also struggling with my gender identity. To sum it up, I
was confused and didn't like myself at all.
Flash forward through my early adult life to my first marriage. I had
gotten married at the age of 25. I also got married for all the wrong
reasons but mostly out of fear of loneliness. Being a crossdresser, I
never believed that a woman existed who would accept my feminine side.
Prior to getting married I had to discard an entire wardrobe that had
taken me years to obtain. Throwing out those clothes left me feeling
empty and as though a very big part of me had died. I knew that my wife
was not a liberal minded person. She certainly was not the type that
would be open minded in regards to the subject of crossdressing. She
was a girl of Italian decent and her father was a man who firmly
believed that "a man should be a man" and he had no tolerance or
acceptance for men who wore earrings or had long hair. Since I was, and
still am, a musician he didn't care much for my long hair, earring and
rebellious rock and roll attitude. I should have foreseen that "the
apple didn't fall far from the tree" in regard to my wife's beliefs
about what a man should be. I knew that my crossdressing was something
I could never share or reveal to my wife and I led a "double life" and
continued to keep my dressing a secret. As many crossdressers know,
this is no way to live. The pain of not being able to share your very
inner self with the person who is supposed to love you unconditionally
just serves as additional weight to the cross we already bare. I simply
couldn't take it any more. For some reason, when I reached the age of
thirty I had an uncontrollable desire within me to let out the secret I
have kept for my entire life. I never did tell my wife. Our marriage
suffered for many other reasons and we had grown completely apart. She
had plenty of her own emotional baggage to deal with and surprisingly
the marriage lasted eight years.
The break up of my marriage was something I consider a valuable lesson
in my life and it proved to be liberating in more ways than one. I
finally lived on my own for the first time in my life and I was allowed
the luxury of letting my feminine side flourish. I took great lengths
to experiment with different styles of clothing and make up to create
the image of the woman I had always dreamed of being. Having my
independence during this time of my life was something I had longed for
but yet I still was not completely happy. My hopes and prayers had now
turned to finding that very special woman who would love me
unconditionally for everything that I am, regardless of what clothing
I'm wearing. But was she out there? Does that kind of woman exist?
Could anyone love me for me?
Flash forward again....the time February 2000. I started going into
chat rooms on the net. The wonderful thing about chat rooms is that you
have to actually get to know a person for who they are with out ever
seeing what they look like. It was a perfect haven for someone like
myself who lacked confidence in their self image. I frequented one
particular chat room that was dedicated to a band whose music I loved.
I looked forward to chatting with others who shared my admiration for
this band, particularly those of the female persuasion. Well, I did
indeed meet a very special lady in that room. We chatted daily and
learned more about each other every time we spoke. I couldn't believe
that we had so much in common. You hear a lot of bad things about
people being harassed and stalked on the internet but believe me when I
tell you that for every negative story told there is a positive one as
well. In time, over a period of months actually, I had the opportunity
to arrange a face to face meeting with the very special woman I was
speaking with. There was a great geographical distance between us but I
was determined to let nothing stand in my way of seeing her. We had
already fallen in love with each other before actually meeting and we
spent a very special romantic weekend together. It was the most
wonderful weekend of my life. We continued to learn more about each
other as our relationship and our love continued to grow. We had
already known in our hearts that we would remain together for the rest
of our lives. We had revealed everything about ourselves to each other.
There was only one thing that I needed to reveal to her, but how? When
would I get the opportunity? When would it be the right time to tell
her? Would I lose her forever? These are just some of the things that
go through a crossdresser's mind when they know they can no longer keep
their secret. I had learned valuable lessons from my previous marriage
and I was determined to start this lifelong relationship on the right
foot. I could either be honest with myself and the love of my life or
be deceitful and risk great harm to our relationship when my secret
would eventually be discovered. I had a firm belief that God had indeed
brought us together and I believed that the love we shared was a strong
one. These things provided me with the strength to come out when the
time was appropriate.
I had expressed to my wife earlier in our relationship that I loved
lingerie and loved to see her wearing it. On this particular day she
wore something very special for me, a black teddy, sheer black thigh-hi
stockings and 4 inch black pumps. She looked very sexy and if you could
see my wife you'd agree, she is stunning and possesses a great deal of
natural beauty. When we had finished making love she slowly peeled off
her stockings and left them on the floor as she excused herself to go
to the bathroom. I had always had a particular attraction to nylons and
high heels. I reached over and picked up her stockings and thought of
how much I wished I could wear them. I could smell the beautiful
feminine scent of her body on them and that made me long to wear them
even more. As I held them in my hands my wife returned. She giggled and
asked me if I wanted to wear them. I could feel a rush over my entire
body. I was very happy that she had asked but I also felt a degree of
guilt because only I knew that wearing those stockings held much more
significance for me than my wife was aware of. I didn't answer her
right away, I felt somewhat ashamed agreeing to wear them. Sensing my
discomfort and hesitation she took the stockings from my hands and
lifted one of my legs and slowly and seductively rolled one of the
stockings over my legs. She then proceeded to draw the other stocking
up my other leg. She was smiling the entire time and getting a kick out
of what she was doing. Little did she know I was in heaven. I couldn't
believe this was actually happening. My wife commented that I had
beautiful legs and they looked very sexy.
I loved hearing her tell me that because in that respect crossdressers
are very much like real women. We love to be complimented on our
appearance. It is truly a gift if that compliment comes from the woman
you love and respect. You would think that this was the perfect
opportunity for me to "come out" to my wife but my fear of losing her
took over and I said nothing. The reason why is simple. When a woman
dresses up a man in female clothing and/or applies make up to him, it
is most usually done in a playful way, such as in the scenario I have
just described. On the other hand, when she is made aware that the man
she is dressing up is enjoying the feminine feeling of the clothes
and/or make up, her perception changes drastically, particularly if
that man is the man she loves. It is imperative that we must remember
she fell in love with a man not a crossdresser.
I couldn't get the vision of my wife dressing me in her stockings out
of my head. It played over and over in my mind and I knew I had to tell
her. As we sat on the couch watching television the words just spilled
out of my mouth. "Honey, you know how I told you that I love to see you
in lingerie?" "Yes " she replied. "Well hon.... I like to wear that
stuff too".
I was never so scared in my life. I never imagined I would have the
courage to tell anyone what I had just told her. It took only seconds
for her reaction but those seconds seemed like an eternity. She could
clearly see the look on my face, it was one of fear and shame.
She smiled and said the words to me I never thought I would
hear....."that's ok baby, there's nothing wrong with that" It had
finally happened. I was finally free from the chains of a secret I had
kept for over thirty years. The feeling of relief was something I
couldn't possibly describe in words. I smiled back at her, and felt my
eyes well with tears of sheer joy. I hugged her so tightly and
repeatedly thanked her. I already knew how blessed I was to fall in
love with such a very special person but my love, admiration and
respect for my wife grew to proportions I had never known existed. Now
it was time for me to answer a lot of questions. I began by telling her
how my crossdressing started. Not only is my wife beautiful, inside and
out, but she's open minded and well educated. She agreed that my
crossdressing was something I had no control over. She also recognized
that it was something I did not choose. After all, who would choose to
live a life filled with secrecy, guilt and shame. Not to mention the
risk of persecution and rejection by society if that secret were ever
discovered. Finally letting go of my secret had opened a "flood gate".
I began to tell my wife
everything about my crossdressing history. She absorbed a
tremendous amount of information from me in a short span of time. As
accepting and loving as she was, all this information proved to be very
overwhelming for her. She spent the entire following day crying. She
couldn't even look at me. Every time she did, she cried harder. She
felt betrayed and rightfully so. I had to now deal with the fact that I
had hurt her deeply. I hated myself for being what I am. This was the
longest day of my entire life.
After a few days my wife had a chance to catch up emotionally with all
that I had told her and she reassured me that she still loved me and
that she was supportive of my crossdressing. I am truly one very
blessed man. Just a few days later my wife completely shocked me by
asking if me if I wanted to play dress up and try on some of her things.
Well, let me tell you that I was the happiest crossdresser on the
planet. I tried on several of her prettiest dresses as well as her
lingerie, hosiery, underwear and shoes.
Since then my wife and I have shared makeup and a wardrobe. She has
bought me several items of female clothing and has been supportive and
extremely helpful in perfecting my look. I've worn women's clothes for
almost my entire life but nothing, and I mean
nothing compares to being dressed
by the love of my life, my wife. My dearest, I love you beyond anything
in this entire world. Thank you for showing me the true meaning of
unconditional love.
If you would like to contact Nikki, you can do so by sending her an EMAIL.
