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In hopes that someone may benefit from our experiences I'd like to come
out of lurking mode and tell you a story of how the introduction of
crossdressing into our marriage has changed our way of thinking.
First off I started dressing back in the fifties when boys were boys
and girls were girls. Anything else was a condemnation of your soul.
You were an outcast of society and even hated. This is the atmosphere
in which my wife and I were raised. Through the years my
dressing continued, narrowly missing being caught by my parents on
several occasions. And then, one fateful day, I got caught when I was
about twelve years old. My father beat me to a pulp and I was almost
disowned. I thought sure that to have been caught would have meant
electro-shock therapy but the "family doctor" advised against it
stating that this will pass. For a while it did but the want to dress
came back. I became very skillful at hiding it and became very adept
at lying. At every turn in my life there was a secret and confusion
that I could share with no one. I would not dare for fear of another
beating, rejection, hate and so on. I thought I was sick. I didn't know
if I was gay or what.
As the years passed I realized that I loved girls and, through time, I
realized I wasn't gay. Still I had no idea what was going on in my
mind that would cause me to want to dress like the girls I loved. After
graduating high school I went into the military and managed to
suppress thoughts of dressing (that is until I was home on leave).
Near the end of my military stint I met and fell in love with my wife.
After leaving the military we decided to get married. I, as did she,
wanted to have kids and a house with a white picket fence. Almost
immediately after setting a date a war started raging within my mind.
Do I tell her or don't I tell her? Opinions of men wearing dresses
hadn't changed much since my earlier years and I didn't want to lose
the woman I loved so dearly. I really thought that getting married
and raising a family would "cure" my need to dress in woman's clothes.
I was convinced! So what would be the need to tell her if I had
every reasonable expectation that I would be cured by marriage? Given
the views that society still had against crossdressers I opted not to
say anything to her.
We got married and I didn't dress for almost a year. We were on our way
to our first and only child. During her pregnancy my need to
dress began to creep back into my thoughts. I tried so hard to subdue
them but they kept coming. It was like I was cursed.
Now I had all the clothes I needed to dress. Dressing when she wasn't
home went on for most of my married life. On occasion she would get
suspicious and I'd managed to suppress it for a while. But it kept
coming like a tidal wave. To keep her from seeing her stuff
disarrayed I would go out and buy what I needed to dress and hide the
"stuff". Sometimes I would almost get caught and felt like I wanted to
die. I would purge everything I had. But the need kept coming. I
have bought and purged many times. She had her suspicions.....
Last May she came home from work earlier than expected and when I saw
her car pull into the driveway I almost dropped over dead. I didn't
know what to do, I couldn't think. I ran down the basement. She came in
and called my name several times, eventually working her way over
to the top of the cellar stairs. I yelled back up to her, "don't come
down here, don't come down here." My heart was pounding and it felt
like it was in my throat. She started down the steps and I said to
myself, "Oh God" and I started walking over in her directions.
When she saw me she screamed at the top of her lungs, "Oh no, God, Oh
no, I knew it. My world felt like it had just come to an end. I was
not dead but I might as well have been. She ran up the steps into the
kitchen screaming and crying. After what seemed like an eternity I
went up the stairs. My only thought was to try to get to the bedroom so
I could change. She turned and saw me and screamed again. I had a
hard time breathing and all I wanted to do was die right there on the
spot. I could see by the look in her eyes that she was suffering
immeasurably by the site of me in a dress. It was like someone had
driven a stake into her heart. I went to the bedroom, changed and
came back to the kitchen. She was still crying and through her tears
she began to bombard me with questions, are you gay, do you want to be
a woman, how long have you been doing this? How could you do this to
me? I broke down and cried uncontrollably at the agony I had just
dumped on her. I walked over and tried to hug her but she pushed me
away, several times and even tried to strike me. After an hour or so
of us crying we began to talk and I answered her questions as best as I
could. My words didn't seem to ease her pain, no matter what I
said. I just answered them honestly...She felt betrayed, angry and even
disgust. She felt betrayed because I didn't tell her 34 years
earlier. She felt that our marriage had been a lie. I explain to her
why I never told her and told her of the dozens of times I purged and
tried to stop dressing.
We talked for several hours and I told her of when I first realized I
liked to dress in woman's clothes and how I was beaten and shamed by
my parents when they caught me. For the first time in my life I had
openly discussed my crossdressing with someone. Although it was
somewhat of a relief it didn't do anything to alleviate the pain we
were both going through at that time. The discussion tailed off and we
both calmed down. I suggested to her that if she had any
questions, at any time or wanted to discuss this in any way not to
hesitate to bring it up.
Communications is always best. I did find
out in this conversation that she new nothing of what crossdressing
was. She envisioned me as some drag queen obnoxiously dressed and
over-made up. I offered to give her information and books on the
subject but she adamantly refused. She wanted no parts of it. I told
her that, in order to begin to understand, she needs to try to learn
about what it was that turned her world upside down.
Over the next few months we had several conversations that where always
initiated by me. I asked if she had tried to learn anything
yet and she said no. She just kept saying that she had to deal with
this in her own way. I just couldn't understand how she could deal
with something that she knows nothing of, yet I gave her the space and
time. However, in each conversation I tried to determine what her
comfort level was and each time we'd finish the conversation without
me knowing what disturbed her about my crossdressing or what her fears
were. Each time she would say that she would have to deal with this
in her own way. I kept thinking that she just wanted to bury her head
in hopes that her world would return.
During one of our later conversations I told her that since she
discovered my secret she doesn't go out very often. It was like she
was staying home to keep me from dressing, hoping that she could force
it out of our lives. I've explained to her in every conversation that
my need to dress will not go away, it is part of me, part of my
personality and my personality was one of the reasons she married me in
the first place. I am so completely different from the rest of my
family.
I began to get frustrated. I became depressed, didn't laugh much and
hardly talked. This went on for weeks and I saw that we were
beginning to quarrel, which has been rare in our 34 years of marriage.
Finally, one day we both just let it out. She threatened to leave
after the holidays and I told her that I wished I were dead for
destroying everything that she felt secure in. Once again we had a
very long conversation about my crossdressing and what it has done to
her. I finally found out what she fears most about my crossdressing.
She fears what people will think of her should anyone find out about
me. She fears that our daughter will find out and reject us both.
She still fears that I may want to dress full time, alter my body
through hormones or even go as far as becoming a woman. She knows I
am not gay or bisexual. She has asked me if I ever want to go out
dressed and I told her I didn't know for sure. I suppose if she ever
got to the point of supporting I would probably venture out in public.
I did ask her if she would throw me out if I joined a support group and
she said she didn't care as long as no one ever meets in our home.
Throughout this conversation we cried, but, from the tears came a new
understanding for both of us.
It would appear that she has reached a certain level of acceptance and
has told me that she realizes my need to dress will be a part of me
forever. However, at this time, she is still adamant about never seeing
me dressed or participating in any way. She does know I dress
when she goes out and she has promised to go out more often to give
some space. She has also promised that she would call before
returning so that I have an opportunity to "put my things away." She
said that she is trying to understand. And I believe her sincerity.
I promised her that I would not force my crossdressing on her and that
I would not try to manipulate her in any way to become supportive.
But we both agreed that she must make an effort to reach out and learn
about crossdressing. After all, how is she to make an informed
decision without knowing anything about what it is she's trying to
decide? I suggested to her that, ultimately, I wanted to share all of
me with her but if, after reading, learning and talking with other
wives who have gone through this, she still desires to have nothing to
do with my crossdressing then I will abide by her decision. She said
that she would reach out when she felt ready and asked that I not push
her. And I will not push. We have set our first boundry
Hugs,
Becky
If you would like to contact Becky, you can do so by sending her an EMAIL.
