Click HERE to return to the Main Menu
or click the BACK button on your browser to go back to the index of stories.
I've Got A Secret
To tell or not to tell. It's probably the biggest single question any
crossdresser ever faces. If the pendulum swings toward "to tell", then
the question becomes "who"? In the case of married crossdressers, the
"who" is usually the spouse.
Then the "how, when and where" questions pop up in rapid succession.
In my case, I had been dressing off and on since age 10. I dressed extensively
prior to getting married and purged my entire wardrobe a month before I met my
future wife. The absence of any desire to dress during the first four years of
marriage lulled me in to believing that the crossdressing part of my life was
over for good. But in year five, it was back. I was trapped between my desires
and my deep devotion for my wife without any means of knowing which way to go. I
touched on the subject in conversation and even bought a few FORUM magazines
with crossdressing letters and shared them with my wife. She seemed to be
totally turned off by the subject, so it was back to the closet.
Several binge/purge cycles ensued, then in 1993 the desire returned to stay.
After many years of denial, I came to accept my gender gift and myself. I was
finally happy with me. Several years and several close calls later, I had come
to the conclusion that I was going to be caught some day. I wanted to be in
control when my wife found out and I had to be the one to tell her. By her
finding my size 12 pumps in the attic, I would be on the defensive to stay, so I
decided to pick my time and broach the subject once more.
The Confession
This time I was really ready. It was February, 1998. I was armed with
information from various sources about male heterosexual crossdressing, books on
the subject and most importantly, a shameless demeanor. With these props, I was
ready. Or at least I thought I was. I had picked a Sunday night. There was
nothing on television we wanted to see and my wife and I were folding clothes
that had been washed earlier in the day. The house was quiet and we were alone.
We started talking about various things and being a very intuitive person, my
wife asked me what was on my mind...that I looked to be preoccupied. I told her
I was and that I had something I wanted to talk with her about, but I wanted to
collect my thoughts (in reality, I had "chickened out"). She pressed
for the subject matter and I told her that we'd talk later and not to worry.
Bedtime finally came, I hadn't uttered a word and needless to say I didn't
sleep, either. Although we had the next day off, the lack of sleep was getting
to me. By morning's light, my wife awakened and asked me if I was ready to talk
yet. I said "not yet" and headed out for my daily three mile walk.
While I walked, I played all of the possible scenarios over in my mind, from
total acceptance to total rejection. Upon returning home, I was confident I
could do it and have a positive outcome. What followed were the most emotional
five hours I have ever spent in my life.
I started by reaffirming my undying love and devotion for her. Then I uttered
those four famous words, "I've Got A Secret". I told her it was a
secret that I had never shared with a soul and that it went back almost forty
years. But now I felt a need to share it with her.
The following were my initial words on Monday morning, February 2, 1998:
" For all my life, I have had very strong feminine attributes. I have
always been the caretaker, the soft heart, the one guy who would cry at sad
movies (this was especially difficult on dates). I have always found delight in
the things that interest women such as clothes, shoes, home decor and various
other subjects women talk about. (Several weeks before our conversation, my wife
had made the comment that I was a good sport because when her friends visited, I
was always treated like one of the girls and I never complained.) I told her
that there were times when my feminine attributes had to have a way to be
expressed tangibly. And that way was that I liked women's clothes and more to
the point...I liked to wear them.
"Yes, I am a crossdresser. No, I'm not interested in taking hormones or
seeking sexual reassignment surgery. No, I am not gay nor do I have any
inclinations. I'm the same person you loved when you awakened this morning,
except that now you know the deepest secret of my soul. Only my love for you and
yours for me makes me secure in telling you. It's something that has been
tearing me apart for most of my life. I'm ready to cast off this burden and be
totally honest with you and me. And I know that by ridding myself of the burden
of secrecy, I'm passing some of it on to you, but together, there's nothing we
can't overcome. I have finally accepted my "gift" as it were and I
have finally accepted it as a part of me that will never go away. All that has
given me the confidence to tell you."
My wife then surprised me beyond belief. She embraced me and reaffirmed her love
for me and then exclaimed that she was relieved to know what was on my mind, for
she had feared the worst...an extramarital affair. We both hugged and cried for
several minutes without a word being spoken by either of us. When the emotions
subsided, she began asking questions and, fortunately, I was armed with
information I had gained from the Tri-Ess website and various others. As we
explored the materials, we both got on the learning curve, but at vastly
different points. After all, I had known of my need to dress for over 37 years
and she had hardly known for 37 minutes.
The next four hours were filled with questions about how I came to know of my
desires, how I had fulfilled them in the past and the biggest question: where
were my clothes? Before the day was over, she had seen all my clothes (on
hangers, mind you) and all the lingerie I had managed to accumulate. She
complimented me on my taste in clothes and shoes and suggested that my closet
would be a better place to store my clothes than the attic. So, she helped me
organize them in my closet and even shared one of her "prized" tote
bags in which to store my make-up which was infinitely better than the old shoe
box I was using. It was two weeks before she saw me dressed...and I made
absolutely sure she was ready when that time came. In fact, I think I was more
nervous than she was. I didn't look terribly beautiful but with her help, I
managed to turn the corner toward presenting a credible feminine image.
My wife's feelings about my crossdressing have ranged from, "I'm OK with
this "to "Is this for real?? Someone please pinch me so I'll wake
up". But, she has been supportive and just plain wonderful. She has
encouraged me to join a local support group and become active in the group.. She
has offered her advice on make-up, clothes and mannerisms and we have gone
shopping together for each other regularly.
Been There...Done That
If you have read this far, you've probably been in the same situation I was in
or are wrestling with the reality of telling your wife. I feel a strong marriage
is a must. One on shaky ground, likely will not not survive a revelation about
crossdressing. A deep and abiding love for each other is also a must. Love can
truly overcome any obstacle and is a key ingredient in a strong and successful
marriage. And mutual respect is the glue that holds it all together.
Telling one's wife can obviously go one of two ways. It can be the most
refreshing and liberating thing you can do or the most damaging or even
devastating. You only have your judgement to guide you. If your marriage is
strong, as ours is, it's best not to have any secrets. My main regret is that I
waited so long to talk with my wife. I do know that we have become even closer
since I came out, since, now, there are no secrets or hidden agendas.
The most important thing is to work from a position of knowledge and acceptance.
An attitude of shame will only breed more shame and have the opposite affect of
what you want. And while I believe that complete and total acceptance of
crossdressing is rare, I also believe that total rejection, among people who
truly love each other, is also rare. Based on the research I conducted over many
years, most wives find themselves vacillating in the range of passive
acceptance. But the best advice I can give is go slow. You've had a lifetime to
come to grips with your need to dress...your wife is way behind you. Help her
catch up in a loving, supportive way. Just remember that striking a balance in
your life as it relates to crossdressing is one of the smartest things you can
do. That's not always easy and sometimes I don't heed my own advice...but my
wife will let me know when I violate the rules.
The key ingredients in coping with crossdressing are love, respect and
information. "I've Got A Secret" are four powerful words when put
together. If you haven't used them and you're planning to use them, remember, be
thought ful. Think of how you would react if you were hearing about
crossdressing for the first time and always remind your wife of how much you
love her. Love can truly overcome anything...even the desire to wear a dress and
a pair of heels.
If you'd like to find out what my wife thinks about life with a crossdresser,
then I invite you to visit my website listed on Dixie's links page.
